What is a Safe Word? Let’s Talk About It

So what is a safe word? Well, it’s definitely something important in every relationship that becomes intimate and/or revolves around BDSM. Not setting one can lead to huge consequences that hurt the dynamic and the submissive as well. However, it can be avoided with proper communication and the right boundaries.

Let’s look into this crucial topic a lot more through this guide.

What is a Safe Word?

Safe words are words used in a submissive-dominant situation wherein the sub signals their dom that they’re reaching their limit. By limit, it can be their pain tolerance or tolerance in doing hard things. 

For a safe word to be effective, it should be easy to say and also memorable. 

Why is Having a Safe Word Important

Well, it’s literally there to keep both partners safe and honor each other’s boundaries. But besides that, let’s delve into more reasons that explain just why safe words are important. 

1 It can be used for any situation.

Sex, BDSM, or both, safe words can be established in any setting. That way, nothing goes haywire, and the good mood remains intact. Whether you’re having vanilla sex or going intense with impact play, placing a safe word makes you feel more at ease in case things switch up and you aren’t ready for it.

2 It ensures clear communication.

Safe words are specific words designed to stop and catch a breather before you go again or end immediately. Especially when sex and BDSM can easily get rough and hard, regular speech may be misinterpreted. Think of a consensual non-consensual situation for instance: a submissive telling their dominant “no” or to “stop”’ can signal to keep going. The same can go for role-playing scenarios. Hence, safe words are more straight to the point and have a clearer role in the setting for when things go south.

3 It encourages safety and consent.

The word “safe” is right beside this term. Having it means you value each other’s boundaries and respect them too as you both want to have a meaningful experience. And as for consent, it goes back to allowing what’s okay and avoiding what isn’t. But if unintentional things occur, safe words are used to diffuse things.

4 It promotes trust and comfort.

Having safe words shouldn’t mean that you can’t rely on each other to stop and whatnot. In fact, setting one makes you feel more in control and comfortable with each other. Thus, you trust each other more and also pay closer attention to each other just so there’s no need to use a safe word.

5 It prevents any misunderstandings.

Plus, saying stop may not be enough to actually stop if you’re following a scenario that blocks that out (e.g., consensual non-consensual play). The dominant may not think they’re in pain unless the safe word is said. Moreover, safe words eliminate confusion or misinterpretation and give the parties involved more power to express discomfort or distress.

Examples of Safe Words

Build or find a safe word/s that works for you through this helpful section.

1 Travel Light System

So the traffic lights that you see on the road, whether as a driver or passenger, have 3 colors. Green to go, yellow to slow down, and red to stop completely. These words and their corresponding rules can be applied during sex or BDSM as safe words. Plus, they’re easy to remember when they’re a common scene in day-to-day life.

2 Words that make both of you disgusted

Disgust is the easiest way to stop sex. It ruins the mood, and the topic of disgust can take a while to be wiped off. Hence, using that emotion when forming and finding the right safe word can work in your favors. For example, “elephant cum” can push you away from each other.

3 Something made up

Think back to your childhood, wherein you must’ve made up words with their own distinctive meanings. That idea can work with sex, wherein saying that word is instantly linked to “okay, let’s stop”. Get creative here, as creating nonsense words is easy, and even word vomit or putting random words together that work are potentially safe words. But keep in mind that they should be memorable.

4 Something unique to your relationship

Now, this method varies per relationship. We all have different quirks and traits, individually and together, that other couples don’t have. Why not use it to your advantage? For example, you both like strawberry drinks. So “strawberry” can be your safe word.

5 Safety Actions

An article from Men’s Health shared that there are certain situations where verbally addressing a safe word may not be possible. This can be due to the usage of a ball gag or any sex toy involving the mouth. Having a partner who is deaf, has difficulty hearing, or is mute can also be a possibility. Thus, setting safety actions is ideal for allowing someone to express their boundaries when the situation goes in that direction.

How To Establish a Safe Word

Let’s figure out how to set up a safe word in place down below.

1 Bring it up once your relationship gets sexual.

The starting point can be tricky to navigate in a romantic relationship. This is where sex is introduced, while there must already be non-sexual acts be done already to heighten your intimacy. It can be awkward and shy to talk about at first, but as you know its importance by now, it should be a priority to bring it up. 

Plus, talking about sex and safe words can be casual, like over dinner or chilling by the TV watching a movie. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward. Also, bonus points if you’re open-minded and have experience with sex, as those factors can already break the ice.

2 Brainstorm safe word ideas.

This is where our previous section comes in handy. Figure out which method best fits your dynamic and even create a system if you want. But to keep things easy, use and implement one word that is easy to remember and say. 

One word can mean to stop, the other to pause, and the last to keep going. But just having one is already okay, as long it’s agreed upon by both parties.

3 Discuss the meaning.

At this point, knowing what a safe word is clearly already. Moreover, you and your partner have a word or words for that purpose. To reiterate, it should be a word that signals the dominant to halt things completely or pause momentarily when there’s a moment of discomfort that can be fixed.

4 Do a practice round.

This round shows whether or not the submissive can properly express their boundaries. You also get to see whether or not it’s effective. If it is, you can implement it in your routine. If not, you must find another useful safe word or re-examine your boundaries.

5 Review and adjust.

From the first time you have it ingrained in your routine, assessing the effectiveness of your safe word from time to time ensures that its purpose is acted out properly. But in some situations, switching it out for another word or using the current safe word for another purpose is okay. Like how your interests change, safe words can, too, as time passes.

6 Create a backup plan when the word is said.

So the safe word has been said, and so much is going on. But definitely, there’s worry and distress, especially from the submissive. To handle that, having a backup plan is key in reassuring and comforting them. This can be done through aftercare when you decide to end things for the night. Aftercare can also be executed when on break and eventually trying again if the submissive wants. They just need space and a breather to gather their thoughts and make a proper decision.

Mental Aftermath of Saying The Safe Word

While there are many ways the aftermath can look, there’s also a negative scenario of which some people may not be fully aware. Let’s delve deeper into both the perspectives of the dominant and submissive.

1 Dominant

In many situations, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of overthinking and worrying about their submissive. Underneath their expression of boundaries, it also meant they hurt them without knowing or being more aware of what they did. Even if they paced themselves, there was just something they unintentionally did that caused their partner to reach their limit. In other words, they’re worried and afraid of them.

2 Submissive

They’re distressed and scared. It may be because their limits have been crossed unintentionally, or they want to go up and beyond for a change, only for it to backfire. At the same time, they’re worried about their partner too. Even as they establish trust and consent beforehand, they may think to themselves that they aren’t a good partner for them and that their partner is second-guessing them.

While this perspective can unfold in many ways, you can expect a flurry of negative emotions on the submissive’s end.

How to Deal With The Aftermath

In line with the previous section, browse through these tips when such a situation occurs to you.

1 Give the submissive space.

Whatever act you guys were doing, end it immediately. Physically part from each other, and give yourselves a moment to catch a breath and gather your thoughts. But most importantly, the submissive (whoever they are in your dynamic) needs space to put themselves together again. All that overwhelming fear needs time to pass. 

As for the submissive, they should take deep breaths and even walk around their home to lessen the stress in their body.

2 Comfort them.

If you’re the dominant, observe your submissive’s body language. If they appear a lot better than earlier, ask them if you can approach them. Doing this lessens any stress if you simply act according to your observations. If they say okay or yes, slowly approach and still keep a close gap unless they tell you to come closer. From there, comfort them as they’re still shaken. Ask them how they’re feeling, give them an okay physical touch like a pat on the back or squeezing their hand, and listen to them. 

Oh, and reassure them about your own emotions so they don’t think you’re feeling negative towards them. That’ll spare them from overthinking and ruminating.

3 Debrief immediately.

A safe word is said because there’s something that went wrong during your session, whether it’s sex, BDSM, or a mix of both. Thus, take this time to open up your emotions, then figure out together what to fix and improve. 

For example, the submissive goes, “I used the safe word because you were thrusting a lot more than I expected, even though I’m used to the pace.” From here, going at a gentler pace or switching it from rough to gentle on occasion are potential solutions. This is a topic best spoken about right away, so neither of you carries any guilt, shame, or sadness throughout your day or when going to bed.

Takeaway

That wraps up our guide on what a safe word 101 is! We hope you learned a lot about it and just understand why it’s important to have one in a sexual and/or BDSM-set relationship. Not only does it encourage communication and strengthening of trust, but it also keeps one’s boundaries intact, especially those of the submissive. Additionally, forming the ideal one is teamwork on both ends and should be practiced beforehand before taking things up a notch.

For more sex or BDSM-related guides such as this one, head on over to the Lauvblog here.