We often emphasize in our BDSM guides (check out our beginner’s guide right here if you’re fully familiar with it yet) that open communication is a must, but you might wonder: What exactly do these conversations involve? Well, one of those topics is limits or boundaries.
In this brief guide, we’ll break down what BDSM limits are, the difference between soft and hard limits, and how you can discuss them openly with your partner.
What Are BDSM Limits?
As the name suggests, BDSM limits are the activities that are off-limits during a BDSM session. For example, your partner might not be into anal play, while you might not be comfortable with anything involving choking. These personal boundaries are considered each other’s limits and should be fully respected during the scene.
Why Are Limits Important in BDSM?
Setting clear limits ensures everything is done safely and everyone involved enjoys the experience.
Some might argue that talking about limits can be a “mood killer.” However, we believe that you can still keep things spontaneous, even with boundaries in place. Having these discussions also helps build comfort and trust between you and your partner, whether you’re the dom, the sub, or switching roles.
What Are Soft Limits?
Soft limits are activities that both parties might be open to trying but need to discuss before each session to decide if they’re comfortable doing them. These limits are flexible but still require clear consent.
For example, if your submissive partner lists swallowing semen, choking, flogging, wax play, orgasm denial, anal play, or using nipple clamps as their soft limits, it means you can’t just jump into those activities. You can only explore them if they’ve clearly agreed to it beforehand.
What Are Hard Limits?
Hard limits mean activities that are completely off-limits, no matter the circumstance. These boundaries could be based on personal preferences, past trauma, cultural beliefs, or other deeply rooted reasons. Some of the common hard limits are ball play (CBT), anal penetration, golden showers, and paddling.
If your partner has set a hard limit, it’s important to respect it fully and never try to convince or pressure them into changing their mind. Of course, over time, your partner might choose to revisit a hard limit and turn it into a soft limit, but that decision should come entirely from them.
How to Talk About Limits with Your Partner
When discussing soft and hard limits, it depends on you and your partner’s dynamic. You could chat about it while snuggling under cozy blankets or maybe even over coffee at a nearby café. However, one thing’s for sure:
Put it in writing.
We know it sounds business-like, but writing down everything is the best way to keep track of each other’s limits. This way, you both have a clear reference and can review it from time to time. If one of you decides to try something that was once a soft or hard limit, you can easily update the document together.
You can jot it down in a journal, draft a BDSM contract, or use websites like My BDSM Limits to organize everything. We also recommend checking out The Sexy Discussion workbook. While it’s not exclusively focused on BDSM, it includes a helpful checklist that makes it easier to talk about sexual activities and identify which ones fall under your soft and hard limits.
Takeaway
Establishing soft and hard limits is super important — not just in BDSM scenes, but in all kinds of sexual play. Knowing your boundaries helps you feel safe, respected, and more open to exploring what actually feels good for you.
Take the time to figure out what your personal limits are, and just as importantly, talk about them with your partner. Open and honest communication sets the foundation for safer and better sexperiences.
