Wanna Strengthen Your Relationship? Try Practicing Compersion

It’s natural to feel a bit jealous if you see your partner chatting with someone at a party, reminiscing about a happy memory with an ex, or—even in polyamorous relationships—sharing details about a recent date. But when jealousy becomes excessive, especially when there’s no real cause for concern or boundaries have already been set, it can take a toll on your relationship. That’s why, if you want to build a healthier and more secure connection, practicing ‘compersion’ might be the key.

What is Compersion?

Compersion is “a feeling of happiness caused by another person’s happiness, especially when seeing one’s romantic or sexual partner interacting positively with another partner.” It’s also considered the opposite of jealousy, which is “a feeling of unhappiness and anger because someone has something or someone you want.”

The term originated from Kerista, a now-defunct polyamorous community in San Francisco between 1990 and 1995. But the concept of compersion isn’t exactly new—it has been discussed for years, particularly in Buddhist teachings. In fact, “sympathetic joy” (known as mudita in Sanskrit) is considered one of the four qualities of an enlightened person, alongside metta (kindness), karuna (compassion), and upeksha (equanimity).

While compersion is commonly associated with polyamory, a relationship structure involving three or more people, it can also be beneficial in monogamous relationships, especially for those who struggle with intense jealousy.

Compersion can also be beneficial in non-romantic relationships, such as with family members. For instance, someone lacking compersion might feel upset or resentful when their sister reaches a fitness goal or their cousin gets promoted. They may dwell on their own shortcomings or feel bitter, assuming others had it easier. In contrast, someone who practices compersion would genuinely feel happy and even proud of their loved ones’ achievements. While they might still wish for their own success, their happiness for others outweighs any envy or jealousy.

Benefits of Practicing Compersion

So, why is compersion a trait worth cultivating? Here are some ways it can benefit you:

1You’ll feel less stressed.

One of the biggest benefits of practicing compersion is that you won’t have to deal with the stress and negative emotions that come with jealousy. This is especially helpful for polyamorous couples, who—contrary to common belief—can still experience jealousy at times, such as when their partner is out with someone else or exploring a new connection, depending on their relationship dynamics.

Imagine constantly feeling stressed and jealous every time your partner goes out—it can seriously affect your well-being. Practicing compersion could help shift your perspective and ease those feelings. However, if the jealousy you’re experiencing in this setup becomes overwhelming and starts affecting your relationship and well-being, it might be better to consult a therapist or, better yet, take a step back and consider a more monogamous arrangement.

2You’ll be able to focus on what you can control and improve, fostering personal growth over time.

People who dwell in jealousy often fixate on their own shortcomings or, in some cases, on their partner or others around them. Compersion helps break this cycle, transforming jealousy into inspiration and motivation for self-improvement.

For example, in a polyamorous relationship, if someone hears that their partner had an amazing time bungee jumping, they might feel inspired to try it with them next time instead of feeling left out. In a non-romantic context, seeing a friend complete a marathon could spark motivation to join them or explore other active hobbies like hiking or swimming.

3It strengthens your bond with your partner.

Practicing compersion can lead to fewer conflicts with your partner, giving you more opportunities to enjoy shared activities. It also helps you manage jealousy more healthily.

Approach matters. If you bring up jealousy in a negative light, your partner might feel blamed or defensive. But when compersion is involved, the conversation can be more positive and productive. Instead of resentment, you might feel inspired to try new things together or find ways to spend more quality time.

How to Practice Compersion

Practicing compersion is simple in theory but challenging to apply and maintain. However, incorporating certain habits can make it much easier to cultivate.

1Foster a secure attachment.

One of the main reasons people experience jealousy so easily is due to insecure attachment, often rooted in childhood experiences. If someone’s emotional needs are ignored, ridiculed, or unmet, they may develop deep-seated insecurities. In some cases, they may have even faced bullying or abuse from family, peers, or other areas of their lives, making it harder to trust and feel secure in relationships.

If you think you have an insecure attachment, it’s worth taking the time to work on it. You can try journaling, breath-based exercises, mindfulness, or talking to a therapist. Taking time to rest, doing creative work, or finding other ways to reflect can make a big difference in shifting your perspective.

2Invest time in loved ones, hobbies, and personal projects.

If your relationship is your only focus and you rely on your partner as an emotional crutch, you might feel jealous when they do things without you. This can make practicing compersion much harder.

To cultivate compersion and to improve your life overall, you need to be able to stand on your own and find happiness in different areas.

Revive the hobbies and passions you set aside when your relationship began. Visit places you’ve always wanted to explore or spend more time with friends and family. A healthy relationship thrives on individuality, so make sure to nurture your own sense of self.

3Communicate your needs and ensure they’re fulfilled in your relationship.

Here’s the thing: If your partner isn’t meeting your needs or putting effort into maintaining your bond, it’s natural to feel jealous when they invest time elsewhere. This could be with another partner in a polyamorous or open relationship or even just spending time with friends or hobbies. That’s why both of you must ensure each other’s needs are fulfilled in the relationship.

Another key factor is communication. It might sound cliché, but healthy relationships thrive on open, honest conversations. This helps prevent resentment and other issues down the line. A supportive partner will listen to your concerns and work through them with you, while someone who isn’t right for you might dismiss or invalidate your feelings.

4If jealousy arises, be compassionate to yourself.

One of the biggest misconceptions about compersion is that once you’ve mastered it, you’ll never feel jealous again.

That’s simply not true. Humans have complex emotions, and jealousy and compersion can absolutely coexist.

So if you try to feel compersion for your partner, friend, or family member but still experience some jealousy, that’s okay. You’re human. Be kind to yourself, and allow those feelings to pass. If it helps, talk to your partner, a close friend, or a therapist to process your emotions and navigate them in a healthy way.

5Consider talking to a therapist.

Speaking of therapy, consulting a professional is another great way to navigate excessive jealousy and practice compersion. As mentioned earlier, underlying issues like insecure attachment might be making compersion difficult for you.

The great thing about seeing a therapist is that they provide an unbiased perspective, unlike your partner, friends, or family, who may have personal stakes in the situation. A therapist can help you gain clarity, offer deeper insights, and guide you through steps to work through these challenges. Of course, therapy can put some dent in your monthly budget, but when it comes to your emotional well-being, it’s definitely worth it.

Takeaway

When dealing with jealousy, practicing compersion can be a great way to resolve it. It helps shift your mindset from comparison and insecurity to joy and appreciation, making it especially beneficial for polyamorous couples who may sometimes struggle with feelings of being left out. However, compersion isn’t a magic switch that instantly erases jealousy. It takes time, effort, and emotional awareness to cultivate.

That said, if jealousy is taking over your thoughts, affecting your well-being, or straining your relationships, it might be a sign of something deeper. So, if it starts interfering with your daily life or relationships, seeking professional help could be a valuable step.