Masturbation, baby. We all do it, but rarely ever talk about it. We can give our friend a blow-by-blow recap about that one night stand we had with Gary from the bar, but somehow, when it comes to masturbation, it’s a topic that gets us a bit squeamish. This is a real shame because we can be sharing masturbation stories and styles. I mean, you never know, your friend may be having the best solo party every night in her bed. And if she is, well, you, of course, should take note of how she pleasures herself.
So in an effort to get people more open about their masturbation habits, we’re doing this fun article about the different masturbation styles and what it reveals about your personality. Because yes, there are actually different styles other than what you’ve been doing for the past twenty-seven years, and yes, the way we please ourselves reaaaallly depends on our personality and ahem, our kinks.
Are you ready to find out what your masturbation style reveals about your personality? Just tell us how you like to play solo and we’re telling you who you are!
The Zero Fucks Giver
Your masturbation style: There’s nothing that can stop you from doing you. Fiddling yourself with the door wide open doesn’t bother you in the slightest. In fact, you like it that way. The thrill of getting caught is what you live for. You still don’t know whether you’re an exhibitionist or not, but one thing’s for sure, you like to face the windows while you mess the sheets and you’re damn sure that if anyone sees you as you please yourself, they’re surely in for a treat—because you’re just so fucking hot.
What it says about your personality: You are overflowing with soooo much confidence. This is your world and we’re just living in it. You’re always the first one to volunteer at school or at work. Chances are, you’ve already nominated yourself as class president in high school, once or twice. When it comes to the latest trends, you don’t follow—because you’re most likely the one who started it in the first place.
The Smooth Criminal
Your masturbation style: You like to touch yourself with the blanket pulled over your head. There’s something comforting about being under the blanket and covering up yourself. Protecting your most intimate moments by yourself comes as a priority, but with that said, you still do loooooove to orgasm wildly in bed. You’ve become such a pro at discreet masturbation that you can do it even when you’re with sleepovers with friends.
What it says about your personality: You’re a bit on the submissive side. You like sex just as much as anyone else but you prefer it a bit buttoned up. Indulging in self-pleasure is your thing, yes, but there’s a wave of guilt that comes with it. Trusting people comes a little hard for you. You build up walls and only let very few people in. But for those people who’ve managed to break through your defenses, you’re fiercely protective of them. Your friends most likely love you because you’re good at keeping secrets.
The Genius Strategist
Your masturbation style: Knowing the “ins and outs” of your pleasure zones is something you’ve been familiar with long before you even knew what they were for. You’re well aware of how you want it, which nipple to play with and how hard to tug, how many fingers you want inside, and when to speed up. You navigate your body like a captain at sea who’s studied his territories by heart.
What it says about your personality: You’re a master manipulator. There have been many instances in your life where you purposely pushed things into action to get your desired results. You never ever jump into projects without taking all the variables into consideration. When you start with something, you make sure that you’re always armed with a game plan in mind—from beginning to end. You can probably orchestrate a bank heist if you want to.
The Game Changer
Your masturbation style: Keeping it fresh in bed is what you’re into. Experimenting with different ways to pleasure yourself is your hobby. You like to play—hard. So it’s not surprising to know that your closet and bedside table is storing a collection of sex toys you’ve used for your exciting bedroom games. You’re so chummy with your vibrators that you’ve probably given them first names already.
What it says about you: Monotony is your number one enemy. So you always try to switch up things in whatever you do. You like to go out there and explore what life has to offer you. Your job is probably under the creative arts. When everyone at work wanted to change the brand of toilet papers you used for the comfort rooms, you were one of the brave souls who said, “go for it”.
The Edge Lord
Your masturbation style: You believe that self-pleasure doesn’t have to end quickly. You like to take your time in bed, extending your sexy solo activities to sometimes hours. Heck, sometimes you start in the morning as soon as you wake up, get to work and turn yourself on while you sit on your desk, then head home to finish the job. But only after you touched yourself during the entire episode of The Bachelors. Driving close to the edge but holding back, again and again, is the only way you can truly enjoy yourself.
What it says about your personality: You don’t fuck with shortcuts. You believe in the saying “success is sweeter when hard-earned”. Taking things the long way is more your road. Because why take the easy way out when the journey to your destination can be an adventure in itself? It’s never “when” you get there for you, it’s “how” you get there. You probably also have great self-control. You’re the type of person who saves the last piece of chocolate for as long as you can, holding off until you’re completely famished.
The Great Pretender
Your masturbation style: You don’t—at all.
What it says about your personality: You’re amazing at concealing the truth. It’s easy for you to keep a straight face while telling an outrageous lie. You’re that person who likes to make up absurd stories during chill drinking sessions with the gang. If your friends didn’t know any better, they’d probably believe you. You’re probably using your God-given gift for lying while working as an international spy.
The Cultured Socialite
Your masturbation style: Masturbation is an art form. You do it with such finesse you can give Queen Elizabeth a run for her money. The setting has to be just right before you even begin with the fiddling. Your favorite candle lights are lit up. You’ve sprayed on your best perfume, and nice music is playing in the background. All of these have to be prepared as if a holy ceremony is about to go down and you’re a sacrificial lamb about to be offered to a deity.
What it says about you: You don’t do “simple”. If it’s anything less than over the top, it just won’t cut it for you. You have a taste for finer things in life and enjoy being pampered with luxury. If we ask you to name 3 of your favorite spa where you get your massages and facials, you’re probably going to name 5. You’re also a passionate person. You take the time to prepare and plan for a date, only choosing restaurants with the right romantic vibe.
The Spontaneous Doer
Your masturbation style: When you get the itch, you’re more than willing to rub yourself. It doesn’t matter where it hits you. Whether you’re in the safety of your home or at work, you head in for the kill, not really caring much about the mood. It’s no problem at all to do it in a public place. You’re kinda like a distant cousin of the Zero Fucks Giver. It’s not that you like to do it in public per se. It’s just that when you gotta scratch, you gotta scratch.
What it says about you: You’re a very spontaneous sort of person. You welcome surprises and are always game for fun, even if it’s risky behavior. When an opportunity presents itself, you don’t hesitate and just grab it. Carl from HR probably sees you as someone brash and impulsive, but you don’t really care. You get the job done and your boss is happy with your performance so nothing else matters.
The Weekend Planner
Your masturbation style: Mondays to Fridays are for working, while Saturdays and Sundays are for rubbing-yourself-till-you-orgasm-so-hard-you-wash-away-the-stress-of-Mondays-to-Fridays. It’s already enough that you work yourself like a horse during the weekdays so you definitely deserve your scheduled masturbation weekends.
What it says about you: You’re a stickler to plans. And that’s because you have a stressful job that requires you to do well with your time-management. People may think you’re a boring ol’ Joe during working hours, but once you’re in a relaxed environment, you surprise them with your inappropriate jokes. You were probably raised by your parents with the carrot and stick method. You’re willing to give your 100 percent in anything that you do but you expect to receive your well-deserved reward.
Found your masturbation style? Does it match your personality? Tell us whether you agree with us or not and shoot us a comment down below!