Being a Fraysexual: What It’s All About, Signs to Look For & More

Disclaimer: This fraysexual guide has been put together using lots of great information from various blog posts, forums, and other online resources, all of which we’ve linked for you below.

However, please remember that this isn’t professional advice. If you’re seeking specific guidance, we highly recommend consulting a therapist or counselor for personalized support. You can also join online groups or forums where people openly discuss this sexuality in more depth than we can cover here.

Do you ever find yourself in a relationship where, over time, your interest in being sexually intimate with that person… fades away? And it’s not because things are getting boring or you don’t care about them, but it almost feels wrong to do it once that deep emotional connection forms?

Maybe you find yourself stuck in a confusing cycle: you start dating someone, you genuinely try to commit and build a relationship, but then you feel a pull to step away as your sexual desires wane, or perhaps the relationship even ends because of it.

While it’s true that sometimes these patterns can point to commitment issues, there’s also a chance that it might be something else entirely… You might be a fraysexual.

What Exactly Is Fraysexuality?

Fraysexuality is a sexual orientation where someone feels sexually attracted only to people they don’t have a close romantic or emotional connection with. This identity falls under graysexuality, which is a part of the asexual spectrum. Graysexual folks experience sexual attraction, but it’s often circumstantial or to varying degrees.

In the community, fraysexuality is sometimes even called “reverse demisexuality” because it’s the complete opposite of demisexuality, where a person needs to form a strong emotional connection first before feeling sexual desire.

How Fraysexuality Differs from Commitment Issues

After reading the definition above, some might wonder if fraysexuality is just an excuse for people to avoid commitment, cheat, or not conform to a traditional monogamous relationship. But that’s actually far from the truth.

When a fraysexual person develops a strong emotional bond with someone they’ve been intimate with, it’s not like they suddenly feel nothing during sex or start to hate it. It’s also not about feeling pressured into a relationship.

We found an interesting perspective in a 2020 blog post from Golden Oak that helps explain this. The author, who identifies as fraysexual, shared that they still deeply love and cherish their partner. However, the stronger their emotional connection becomes, the more sex starts to feel, to them, like an “incestuous experience.” This isn’t because they see their partner as a relative but rather because of the strong level of connection and familiarity.

This unique experience can sometimes be related to the love-lust split or love-lust disconnect. This is a psychological phenomenon where someone can love a person and lust after them but struggle to reconcile those two feelings. It often happens when a person’s upbringing shapes their view of love as needing to protect someone, making it hard for them to express themselves sexually with someone they love out of fear of hurting them. It can also be observed in individuals who consume pornography or grow up with negative beliefs about sex, leading them to separate sex from romantic connections.

While it might not make complete sense to everyone, for those living with fraysexuality, understanding this aspect of themselves can be incredibly validating. It helps them navigate their relationships with more clarity and reassures them that their feelings are normal.

Signs You Might Be Fraysexual

Wondering if you’re fraysexual? Here are some signs that you can check and reflect on:

1You might notice your sexual interest tends to dwindle the longer you’re dating someone.

This is a key experience for many fraysexual individuals. It might start with amazing, exciting sex at the beginning of a connection.

But as time goes on and you build a deeper emotional bond with your partner, that initial sexual excitement just isn’t there anymore. It’s not necessarily because the sex is boring or because you’ve become too familiar with each other. Instead, it can just feel… weird. Almost as if intimacy isn’t something you’re “supposed” to do with someone you love deeply and are emotionally connected to.

2Your sexual desires can feel a bit all over the place.

Before understanding fraysexuality, a person’s sexual desires can seem pretty unpredictable. You might feel a strong sexual pull towards someone, and that connection could even lead to a romantic relationship. However, once that emotional bond deepens, the sexual desire for that person might suddenly lessen or even disappear.

This can sometimes lead to a confusing dynamic. If the person you’re dating becomes uninterested because of your waning sexual interest, you might then find them sexually desirable again since that strong emotional bond has been disrupted. You might try to reconnect, only for the desire to fade once more as the connection grows strong again. It can be a confusing cycle until you recognize the pattern of fraysexuality.

3You tend to separate romantic feelings from sexual feelings.

Fraysexuals often have a tendency to keep their romantic feelings and their sexual feelings pretty separate. Sometimes, this can actually make it easier for them to get into casual encounters without developing emotional attachments. It also means they can be deeply in love with someone but, at the same time, not feel that intense sexual interest typically expected when someone’s in love with a partner.

4You might lean towards casual encounters, even if you still wish for a stable relationship.

A common frustrating experience for those who are still figuring that they’re fraysexual is finding themselves genuinely preferring and enjoying casual encounters, even though there’s a strong, heartfelt desire within them to settle down and build a stable, long-term relationship. This pull between casual intimacy and a longing for deep commitment can be quite perplexing until they realize it’s part of their unique way of experiencing attraction.

Is Fraysexuality Fluid?

Like most sexual orientations, fraysexuality can absolutely be fluid. As Rachel Klechevsky, an LMSW and sex and relationship therapist, mentioned in a Women’s Health article, “All of our identities are fluid if we are open and honest with ourselves.”

So, if you ever find yourself resonating more with another sexual orientation down the line, it’s okay to change course.

Committed Relationships and Fraysexuality: Do They Mix?

One of the biggest hurdles many fraysexuals face is navigating the path to a stable, monogamous relationship. For some, committing to one person can feel a bit like choosing celibacy in terms of sexual enjoyment since that initial spark might fade once a deep emotional bond forms.

But don’t think being fraysexual means you’re doomed when it comes to long-term relationships! It’s absolutely possible to have a fulfilling, stable partnership despite this orientation. You just need to shift the focus of the relationship to other things that don’t always involve sex.

Now, before we check out some tips on what you and your partner can focus on besides sex, there’s a crucial step: openly communicate about your fraysexuality with your partner before entering an official, committed relationship. It would be incredibly unfair for them to be unaware that your sexual interest might lessen as your connection deepens over the long term.

Even if they decide it’s not for them, sharing this information gives you the best opportunity to find someone who truly understands and is okay with your unique way of experiencing attraction.

Below are some ways you and your partner can keep that connection, focusing on intimacy beyond conventional sex:

• Cuddles, cuddles, and cuddles! Snuggling on the couch, holding hands, or simply being physically affectionate can deepen your bond and make you feel incredibly connected.
• Explore new forms of intimacy together. This could mean trying out certain kinks or unconventional sexual activities that don’t involve typical penetration or oral sex. Examples would be impact play, restraint play, mutual masturbation, or sensual massage.
• Share hobbies and passions. You can try running, baking, learning a new language, volunteering, and other related activities.
• Prioritize quality time. Make dedicated time for just the two of you, whether it’s regular date nights, cozy evenings at home, or long walks.

Another approach to consider is having an open relationship. In this dynamic, you and your partner can maintain a solid romantic connection while also having the freedom to engage in sexual intimacy with other people. However, it’s crucial to tread carefully here. Open relationships can lead to complications if clear rules, expectations, and boundaries aren’t properly established and consistently respected by both partners.

Takeaway

Being fraysexual can certainly present its own unique challenges in a society where love and sexual desire are so often expected to go hand-in-hand. But remember, each of us has our own unique interests and desires when it comes to relationships, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a different approach.

The most important thing, as we’ve emphasized, is transparency with your partner. As long as you’re open and honest about your feelings and needs, there’s a real chance to work through any challenges and build a relationship that truly honors both of you.