Are You in a “Pseudo Relationship?” Here’s What to Look For

The beginning of any blossoming relationship often involves flirty messages, daily exchanges of memes, and lighthearted conversations. However, when this dynamic lasts months or years without progression, you might be caught in a pseudo-relationship.

What is a Pseudo Relationship?

A pseudo relationship is one where the couple behaves like they’re in a relationship—they send each other silly memes, flirt when they see each other, and even treat each other to dinners. The problem is, this dynamic can go on for months with no clear direction on where it’s headed.

One partner might hope things will eventually become official, while the other stays vague and flaky about commitment. The flaky partner may be sweet and flirtatious but avoids vulnerable conversations or making real efforts, like planning meaningful dates.

This might sound like a casual relationship or even a situationship, but the key difference is the lack of clarity. People in pseudo relationships don’t define what they have, unlike those in situationships or casual setups, where at least one partner is clear about being casual or not ready for a relationship. In a pseudo relationship, neither partner communicates what they want or where things stand.

Signs You’re a Pseudo Relationship

Feel like you’re under this setup? Here are some of the signs to check out:

1Most interactions happen online.

Are most of your interactions with this person online? While virtual connections can work, true understanding happens face-to-face. In person, you get to read their body language, hear the tone of their voice, and see how they look at you. There’s also a better chance for genuine vulnerability without the filters of online communication.

Also, someone who genuinely wants to connect and commit will make time to see you. Of course, there are exceptions, such as long-distance relationships across countries. But if your date is just an hour away and you can’t be bothered to meet, there’s a chance you’re in a pseudo-relationship.

2They’ll stop you from seeing others but won’t commit.

Another sketchy behavior in pseudo relationships is guilt-tripping or expressing jealousy when the other person tries to see other people. However, when asked to commit, they become vague in defining the relationship. They enjoy having someone devoted to them but without the responsibilities or vulnerabilities of a real commitment.

3Most plans are either short notice or last minute.

Another sign of a pseudo relationship is when all the plans revolve around their convenience. You’re treated more like an afterthought than someone worth making plans for. They might only message you after work for some “cuddles” or update you at night when they’re bored or about to sleep.

4Deep or vulnerable conversations are missing.

Does your partner open up and share vulnerable thoughts, or are your conversations always about social media scandals, celebrity drama, and random memes?

It’s normal to start with lighthearted conversations when getting to know someone. But after months of being romantic or even physically intimate, meaningful conversations should naturally flow. A real connection involves sharing thoughts, feelings, and stories beyond surface-level topics—things you wouldn’t confide in just anyone.

5There’s a lack of consistency.

Another sign of a pseudo relationship is the lack of consistency in their actions. One week, they’re all lovey-dovey; the next, they’re cold and distant, barely replying to your messages. Then, as the weekend rolls around, they’re suddenly sweet again, making promises and trying to lure you over for—you guessed it—”you know what.”

Pseudo relationships thrive on mixed signals, keeping you guessing and unsure of where you stand.

6There’s no sense of direction or growth.

Building on the previous point, pseudo relationships often feel stagnant because of the inconsistency between one or both parties. If you’re caught in a constant push-pull dynamic, it’s unlikely that the relationship is moving forward or growing meaningfully.

7You catch yourself falling into people-pleasing mode.

Because your partner keeps sending mixed signals, you might start questioning your worth and doing everything to win their approval. This could mean saying yes to last-minute dates, showering them with compliments, making all the plans, traveling to their place constantly, and putting in the effort like you’re in a committed relationship. The catch? You’re not actually in one.

8You don’t feel fulfilled in the relationship.

If you constantly feel like your relationship lacks depth and your emotional needs are unmet, you might be in a pseudo relationship. You’re putting in all the effort of a committed relationship without a clear label or progression. Whether it’s making the relationship official or meeting their family, the absence of these steps can leave you feeling unfulfilled and taken for granted.

Why People End Up in Pseudo Relationships

You might be reading these signs and thinking, “Who would even want that? I’d never get myself into that mess.” But it’s easier to say this as an outsider. When you’re smitten with someone—and when other factors come into play—it can be much harder to walk away from a pseudo relationship.

1They haven’t fully healed from past experiences.

One reason someone might end up in a pseudo relationship is unresolved issues from the past. Lingering insecurities or trauma from previous relationships can make them latch onto a new connection, even when the red flags are waving.

2Their low self-esteem leads them to tolerate bad behavior.

A person with low self-esteem might feel unworthy of love, effort, and affection, leading to a pseudo relationship. Believing they’re not valuable enough, they may tolerate red flags and even work harder to “earn” love and effort from their partner.

3They love the spark that comes with the dynamic.

True and healthy love is serene. It’s peaceful because both partners communicate, even during arguments. There’s no jealousy or second-guessing—just a deep and steady connection. However, some may perceive it as boring because it lacks unpredictability.

On the other hand, pseudo relationships are filled with second-guessing, shallow conversations, and a lack of growth. Yet, this chaos feels thrilling for some, leading them to mistake the turbulence for a “spark.” They may believe that the struggle makes the relationship worthwhile, thinking love is something you have to fight for.

4They’re passive or avoid confrontation out of fear.

Sometimes, people get into this mess because they have never tried to communicate. Whether due to fear of loneliness, low self-esteem, or simply their personality, they avoid expressing their needs and expectations. Meanwhile, the other person assumes the current setup is fine since there’s no confrontation or questions.

How to Deal With a Pseudo Relationship

So, you’ve realized you’re in a pseudo relationship and feeling awful about it. Yes, it’s frustrating, but here’s the silver lining: recognizing that it is the biggest step in dealing with and healing from it. Many people don’t even acknowledge the red flags, so you’re already ahead.

Now that you’ve crossed this hurdle, here are some steps you can take to handle the situation.

1Communicate your concerns.

If you’ve never expressed your needs or concerns about the relationship, we recommend starting there. Ask the questions you’ve always wanted to know in person, and pay attention to how they respond.

It’s best to do this face-to-face, as it’s much easier to dodge tough questions when chatting online. They may be testing the waters and genuinely interested in seeing where things go, or they might not be as emotionally invested as you are.

2Cut your losses and let go.

Feel like you’re just running in circles with this person? It might be best for your sanity to walk away. You deserve someone who treats you with the love and affection you truly deserve. So many people are willing to connect with you and offer the commitment you’ve always wanted.

If you feel like you don’t deserve that or worry about being alone after this, consider reaching out to a support system—like a best friend or family member—after the breakup. You can also seek help from a therapist who can guide you through the uncertainties and help you see your value.

Takeaway

Being in a relationship isn’t just about constant chatter or steamy moments—it requires vulnerability, effort, and commitment. If you feel like your partner isn’t putting in their share and isn’t willing to commit after months or even years together, it might be time to let go of the pseudo relationship. You deserve a genuine, fulfilling connection!