If you’re interested in learning submissive training and the art of BDSM, you came to the right place. We will teach you the ropes on how to effectively train your sub.
As for those who are unfamiliar with the alluring world of BDSM, you might want to check our beginner’s guide here. As for those who are knowledgeable enough and wanted to take the role of a dominant, here’s a comprehensive guide.
Submissive training, as the name implies, is a series of activities that involve mental and sexual conditioning techniques between the dominant and the submissive. This ensures a long-term partnership between the two parties and enables the submissive to effectively please their master/mistress.
If you’re someone who has been reading about bondage and sadomasochism, you’re probably aware of how intricate a BDSM relationship works. If you want to take the dominant role, you need to learn how to effectively work through the dynamic. It’s not like the Fifty Shades trilogy where Christian Grey basically takes over Anna’s life—that movie represents abuse and isn’t reflecting the true nature of BDSM.
Now that we’ve given you a brief refresher about what submissive training is all about, here are some things you should establish before you train your sub.
Things to Establish Before You Train Your Sub
As with all kinky and sexual activities, a discussion is a must. Before diving into the different submissive training techniques, make sure to get your partner’s consent and that everything listed below is laid out.
1Goals & Desires
You need to ask each other “Why?”
Why do you and your sub need to do this? Is your sub tired of taking control of every aspect of their life that they want a quick break from it? Did some movies about BDSM spark your interest? Are both of you just doing this for fun or is it because you want to strengthen your relationship?
You also need to ask the “What?”
What are the things your sub wants to try during the submissive training? What technique would you want to use when you train your sub? Are each other’s expectations’ doable? What are your sub’s personal goals from this? Are there fantasies that both of you would like to incorporate on the scene?
By establishing each other’s goals and desires, will help you design a plan on how to effectively train your sub. By knowing what your sub’s goals, desires, as well as expectations, you’ll be able to know how to make the experience much pleasurable and enjoyable to them.
You might think that a BDSM relationship is one-sided—dom taking all the control while the sub agrees willingly to everything—but that’s not necessarily the case. In fact, BDSM isn’t solely meant for the dom’s pleasure; subs should have pleasurable experience as well.
With that, you need to establish the limits as early on. Having boundaries and limits allows the submissive to explore their sensuality safely.
There are two kinds of limits—soft and hard. As the name implies, soft limits are the activities that are negotiable. Your sub might be interested in learning more about it, or simply is not ready to do that particular activity. Once something has been decided upon, the sub may agree to do some of the soft limits or even be demanded from you.
On the other hand, hard limits are the things your sub will never do. Period. Even though you like electro play, you should respect your sub’s decision if they don’t want to do that.
The takeaway from this is simple: You shouldn’t pressure someone or be pressured to do the things that you don’t want to partake in. Even you as a dom, if you don’t like doing a particular activity, it’s okay to say no. Limits can also be fluid throughout the submissive training, so make sure you have regular discussion with your sub about each other’s limits.
This is vital for submissive training. Don’t ever start a play session without establishing this properly.
A safeword is a word or signal that ends the BDSM play instantly. Once your sub has said the safeword, the activity stops, and the roles are stripped away. It’s usually said due to discomfort or pain, so make sure to check your sub as soon as possible and ensure their safety.
As for the word, you may choose any word that you like but go for something that’s oddly specific. Words such as “Stop” and “No” are the words you commonly use during the play, so having your sub use these types of words may confuse you. You may also go with the common safewords that are used by the experienced ones such as red, bananas, superman, or your sub’s full name.
Also, make sure to establish a non-verbal safeword. This will come in handy during BDSM plays wherein the sub’s mouth is gagged. Examples are hand signals, specific head movements, or patterned hand taps.
Once you’re done establishing essentials, it’s time for the fun part. As for the presentation, you and your sub must establish your each other’s appearance during the play session.
Do you want your sub to be wearing latex garments? Want to add some roleplaying in the mix and make them wear certain uniforms? Do you want your sub to wear specific perfume? These are the things you need to be asking yourself when discussing each other’s appearance and behavior.
Your sub also has a say on this. If your sub isn’t keen on a specific type of clothing, respect their choice, and present other options. Your sub can also request you to have a specific presentation during BDSM plays; For example, your sub wants you to wear formal attire during the deed.
5Forms of Address
Once the presentation is laid out, you need to establish how your sub will address and communicate with you and others.
Should your sub call you master, mistress, queen, king, sir, or madame? Are profanities allowed during the BDSM plays? Will you talk to your sub in a warmer tone, or do both of you prefer a colder-type of communication? These are things that you should consider when talking about forms of address.
6Forms & Levels of Service
Part of the dom-sub dynamic is the service. During this discussion, you need to talk about the services that you want to get from your sub. Need help with managing your daily/weekly tasks? Do you want your sub to do the chores for you? Do you want your sub to fulfill your sexual needs These are some examples of the topics you can talk about during this discussion.
Once the forms of service are laid out, make sure to train your sub properly on these tasks (levels of service). By giving them the proper instructions on their services, you’re going to establish the standards of service that you expect from them. You can also set a time limit for the assignments, just to solidify your standards and spice things up.
7Forms of Posture
As for this one, you need to train your sub on how to handle themselves within a situation. This determines the way you and your sub acts up during the session as well on daily/weekly activities.
You need to establish levels of playfulness too. As a dominant/dominatrix, you need to have activities that will be fun for your sub too such as roleplaying and sex games. This discussion will also help you establish the time when your sub needs to be serious and time when they can be a bit more playful.
Conditioning Techniques for Submissive Training
Once you and your sub had the initial discussion, it’s time to move on to the actual training. For starters, you must learn the conditioning techniques. The primary goal in conditioning our subs is to present them with a “stimulus” and have them react the way we prefer. Here are some conditioning techniques that you can use during the submissive training.
If you’ve heard of Pavlov, then maybe “Classical Conditioning” will ring a bell to you (did you see what I did there?). The simplest way to understand the concept is through Pavlov’s dog. Every time he would feed the dog, he would ring a bell to signal that food is to be given. He did this repeatedly until eventually, even when there is no food, just the ring of the bell would make the dog salivate.
Training a sub is essentially like that. I’m not saying that you need to train your sub to be a dog. What we want is for your sub to react consistently to you. When you issue a command or suggestion, it should be good as done.
A simple translation of this concept to the kink is when you use a particular sex toy. For example, a dildo. If you use it frequently enough, it could elicit a desired sexual arousal response. Or even just a simple command. For example, you say “Spread your legs, slave.” Done correctly, just saying these words could trigger your slave to be wet and execute the command instantly. The command is the stimulus.’
If you’re going to use operant conditioning to train your sub, you’ll be giving punishment and rewards to your submissive during training. This technique is a way for you to encourage and maintain desired behaviors and discourage unwanted behaviors.
Now, should your sub follow your instructions and did not budge on following them, you’ll give them positive reinforcement (cuddle, kiss, compliment, massage, giving them their fave snack, etc). On the other hand, if your sub stopped following your rules, you then give negative reinforcement (spanking, whipping, sexual deprivation, nipple play, electro play, etc). This will condition them to continue following your orders and decrease unfavorable actions.
For this technique, you’ll be ignoring unwanted behaviors. Some subs tend to ask for attention through unfavorable actions. Now, if you’re going to not care at all, they will most likely stop since they won’t be getting the attention that they seek, and may start following your orders instead.
Another conditioning technique to train your sub is by showing a step-by-step on how to do things properly. If your submissive learns better through physical and verbal cues, the training will be so much easier for both of you.
As for this conditioning technique, you’ll be giving positive reinforcement for a decrease in unwanted behavior. This method emphasizes your submissive’s progress. It allows for a lot of encouragement and is perfect if the submissive training requires your sub to reach a certain goal.
Kinds of Submissive Training
As you’ve learned the different conditioning techniques to train your sub with, let’s move on the different kinds of submissive training. This includes various ways on how to train your submissive, depending on each other’s goals, needs, desires, and limits. Now, you don’t have to limit yourself on one kind—mixing and matching your training methods is up to you and your sub.
Play training is a fantasy roleplay exercise. The real goal is to have a hot fun time. You’re not expected to learn anything. This doesn’t mean it’s not important. Having fun is important in power exchange. Just make sure that both of you are on the same page. For example, if you’re training your sub to be a maid then make it clear that you want them to repeat the training every week or whatever you want them to do.
This one pertains to the training that the dom prefers like the specific etiquette, protocol, or rituals that he likes. For example, a sub might have been trained to wait for permission before eating but their new dom finds it annoying. So your sub must adapt to the preference of the new dom.
Furthermore, the truth is, as doms, we enjoy preference training and we don’t like it if someone else has done the training for us. For example, it’s nice that the sub has already been trained to bring us coffee every morning. But it is better to have a sub that we ourselves have trained to bring coffee in bed every morning and who did everything exactly according to our preferences. If the sub has already been trained to do what you like, it deprives us of the pleasure of conducting the training ourselves and making it more personalized to suit us.
Skill training is acquiring skills that are useful for the dom like cooking or massage. This is connected when establishing forms of service—in order to have your sub provide an excellent service, you need to ensure that they know what they’re doing.
For example, you want to train your sub to become your personal chef, you then need to train them on how to cook your favorite meals. If you want your sub to provide sexual services, you need to teach them different sex positions, blowjob techniques, roleplaying, etc.
This is the kind of training that can help someone become fundamentally better at submission.
Subs are called upon to clearly communicate their boundaries and darkest desires. To remain respectful and obey even when the temptation to do otherwise is great. To be transparent about their most vulnerable feelings and reactions. These things are hard to do. These take self-awareness, discipline, sensitivity, and a strong grasp of intimate communication.
So, the core of submission isn’t about memorizing the rituals or positions. It’s about knowing yourself, managing your emotions, and communicating clearly and compassionately–and those skills can be trained.
10 Crucial Steps on How to Train a Sub
As you’re fully knowledgeable with the conditioning techniques and kinds of submissive training, you’re now ready to train your sub. Here are the 10 crucial steps that you need to do before, during, and after the training. Keep your notes handy for this one, read away!
Before The Training
Preparation is vital for successful submissive training. You can’t just have a quick discussion and just jump right into it. Here are the things you should be doing before the training or play session.
1Have a discussion first.
We’ve emphasized this for like, a hundred times. Before doing anything, make sure that every aspect of the training is discussed and agreed upon.
2Research about submissive training.
Reading articles about BDSM on sexual wellness blogs such as Lauvette is a good start. Once you’ve read the basics, you may want to pick up some books about the art of BDSM too.
3Find the right BDSM equipment.
There are a variety of toys and tools that you can use during the submissive training/play session. But that doesn’t mean you have to use it all—it’s okay not to have a playroom like Christian Grey. For beginners, a restrainer set, tickler, paddle, mouth gag, and an eye mask can be enough. Then you can add up some new toys along the way, such as nipple clamps, whips, crops, floggers, ropes, sex swing sets, and etc.
4Set up a BDSM Contract.
This isn’t just to be like Anna and Christian Grey in fifty shades, a sub-dom contract is essential to establish each other’s needs, desires, goals, and limits. The contract can also state if the relationship is a daily, weekly, or monthly affair.
Along with the signing of the contracts, you can also present your preferred schedule for the submissive training/play sessions. After all, BDSM should only take up your free time.
During the Training
Now that you’ve discussed everything, here are the things you should do to effectively train your sub.
5Check if your sub is ready for the session.
Even if the training is scheduled, it’s best to have a quick check with your sub before going in. Your sub might be sick or going through something. If that’s the case, you need to respect their wish and halt the activities—forcing them to go through the play session isn’t BDSM, it’s abuse.
6Prepare all the needed toys and tools.
Make sure everything’s laid out once your sub is there. Aside from toys, you also need to prepare some tools for emergencies, such as a first-aid kit, medical-grade scissors, extra lubricant, etc.
7Start with a sensual pre-session ritual.
Some subs might prefer to jump right into it, but should your submissive prefer to have a pre-session ritual, so be it. Doing a sensual ritual before the submissive training/play session helps you connect with your sub a deeper level. Examples of pre-session rituals are having a warm bath together, intense making out sessions, or giving your sub a sensual massage.
8Check on them during the session.
As you go through the training, never forget to check your sub midway. Are they in too much pain? Are they in an uncompromising position? As a dominant/dominatrix, it’s your duty to take care of them during the training. Remember, a BDSM relationship isn’t supposed to be one-sided; Your sub should be enjoying this dynamic too.
After the Training
Once the playtime’s over, that doesn’t mean you’ll just clean up the mess and move on with your daily tasks. Here are the things that you should do after you train your sub.
9Don’t forget aftercare!
People who are new to BDSM or are just venturing to BDSM must remember this: domination is not about abuse. The goal is not to force your partner beyond their limits. You might not believe this but the sub is the one really holding the power in the relationship. Your submissive is the one who willingly gave you control over them because your sub trusts you. A good dom knows the sub holds the power because they control the brakes.
When a session is over, regardless of how or why it ended, you must spend some time with your sub. Calming, communicating, cuddling, or whatever is available. Your tasks can be tiring, both mentally and physically so you should also set some bonding time to wind down and get some feedback on how to improve on the next round. Build upon every round to get a bit better each time. Because ultimately, it’s not just about how you train your sub but how you improve your relationship with them.
10Write down on your submissive training journal.
Once the feedback is given, you may want to write that down. Keeping a journal as you train your sub isn’t technically a requirement, but it helps to keep on track with your sub’s progress.
Submissive Training Tips
We can feel your excitement. But before you start buying BDSM equipment or discussing this dynamic to your partner, here are some tips when you train your sub. By following these tips, you’ll give your precious sub a more effective and enjoyable training/play session.
1Consider your sub’s level of experience and personal goals.
As you start discussing everything, make sure to know if your sub is experienced or not. This will help you determine the level of training that you can give them. Aside from that, you must know your sub’s personal goals too.
For outsiders, they can’t quite grasp the idea that someone will be willing enough to lose themselves completely to someone else. But the sub has their own reasons and you must take that into consideration because these factors will determine whether you are in a compatible relationship and whether training is likely to result in a strong, positive relationship. It would also determine the training approach that is most likely to be successful. So once and for all, what fulfills subs and drives their submission?
- Actively serving others—They genuinely want to be of service to someone. They get pleasure from doing things for others like cooking or performing oral sex.
- Passive service—things that the subs allow to be done to them for the pleasure or benefit of others, such as getting whipped, getting “used for sex”.
- Sub’s independence – They want to act on their own, without the direct intervention or command of the dom.
- Selflessness –Pleasing others motivates them.
You must not only consider this before continuing the relationship. You must also give proper attention to the training you want to embark on.
2Consistency is the key.
The important thing to remember in all of this is consistency. Consistent actions which let them know what is expected of them and what they can expect from you is the way to do it. If you make use of rewards and punishments correctly, they will do your command immediately even without explicit directions or reminders. You know you’ve trained your sub effectively when you don’t even have to say a single word out loud about it.
3Connect with experienced doms.
When researching BDSM, it’s best to check all the available channels as much as possible. That includes online forums with people who are experienced with the dominant/dominatrix role. By connecting with them, you might learn something that’s not even mentioned in books and blog posts.
4Never use drugs or alcohol during the submissive training!
Keep everything safe, sane, and consensual. It’s a common misconception among people outside the BDSM community that doms just want to enslave someone. That’s not necessarily the case as a true dominant/dominatrix cares for his sub and ensures that their needs and desires are also taken care of.
5Remember that an effective dom-sub relationship takes time.
It takes months or even years to have a great dom-sub relationship. When you train your sub, don’t force the dynamic just yet. It’s normal to have frustrations and difficulties during the training. But then again, let things flow through. Train your submissive gently and humanely as possible. It’s also best to train your sub with positive and encouraging methods.
By reading our guide above, you’ve probably realized how challenging and time-consuming submissive training is. As we’ve mentioned above, having a BDSM relationship isn’t just using a paddle and spanking them for fun. As a dominant/dominatrix, you need to establish a solid and trusting connection between your sub.
Now, should you still be interested (or even more excited) to train your sub, make sure to follow this comprehensive guide! Keep the play sessions upbeat so that the training process is enjoyable for all parties involved. Good luck!