Make-Up Sex: Benefits, Risks, & How to Do It Right

If you’ve been in a relationship, you’ve likely experienced having steamy sex right after a conflict. After a period of no contact and a vulnerable discussion to resolve the issues, you suddenly find yourselves passionately removing each other’s clothes and connecting physically in an electrifying way. You might wonder why you’re both so incredibly drawn to each other at that moment. Well, you’re definitely not alone—many couples go through this phenomenon, commonly known as make-up sex.

What is Make-Up Sex?

Make-up sex is a sexual activity that happens after an intense fight with your partner. It doesn’t always happen immediately after the argument, and doesn’t have to involve full penetration.

It’s been referenced in numerous songs, shows, and movies, like “Make Up” by Ariana Grande, “Make Up Sex” by SoMo, and The Notebook. It’s often portrayed as an incredibly passionate experience, reinforcing the idea that it’s hotter and more emotionally charged than regular sex. However, the intensity of make-up sex can vary per couple— it could be primal and raw for some, while others may end with something slow and tender.

How Do Arguments Lead to Sex?

Couples have make-up sex for different reasons. Some do it to release the pent-up tension that’s built up from the fight.

Others experience what’s known as arousal transfer or excitation transfer—a psychological concept where arousal from one event (like a heated argument) carries over and influences reactions to a later, unrelated event. In this case, after the couple has resolved their argument, the heightened emotions shift from anger to sexual arousal or horniness.

Some people also prefer make-up sex as a way to make up for what they’ve done, especially if they were the ones at fault.

Benefits

Make-up sex is one of those relationship topics that’s still widely debated. Some see it as a healthy way to reconnect after a fight, while others view it as an unhealthy habit that could lead to more toxicity. Both perspectives have valid points, but like any sexual activity, make-up sex comes with its own pros and cons. Here are some benefits to consider:

1It reaffirms the connection.

Make-up sex helps couples rekindle their connection after hours or days of feeling disconnected. It’s a non-verbal way of telling your partner you still love them despite the prior problems. Couples often feel more vulnerable during fights, and make-up sex helps them express that vulnerability even further.

2It serves as a closure to that specific fight.

Some couples view make-up sex as a way to “reset” their relationship after a fight. When arguments occur, it disrupts routine and communication. Having sex after resolving the issue signals that the argument is over, allowing you to return to your routine, enjoying each other’s presence again.

3There’s less inhibition, leading to more passion.

As mentioned earlier, couples often feel more vulnerable during fights because they’re tapping into a different side of themselves. This vulnerability can lead to deeper connections, as some partners confide their deepest feelings during these heated discussions, including insecurities and fears.

This reduction in inhibition often makes it easier for partners to communicate openly, creating a safe space for honesty. And when the argument resolves, and make-up sex follows, this same openness translates into the bedroom.

4It’s a great way to shake off the stress.

If you’ve been in a relationship, you know fights can be stressful. They can affect your daily routine and responsibilities— your appetite is gone, sleeping is difficult, you’re constantly replaying the fight in your mind, you can’t let go of your phone, and you’re now worried about the future. It’s extremely nerve-wracking.

That’s why some couples end up having sex after reconciling as a way to get off that stress from the fight. After all, orgasms are known to be a natural stress reliever, releasing feel-good hormones like endorphins and oxytocin.

5It can turn a bad experience into a positive one.

Another positive effect of make-up sex is that it can subtly shift how you remember a previous fight. Instead of focusing on the drama, tears, or heavy conversations, you and your partner might find yourselves thinking more about the passionate, intimate moment that followed. It has a way of reframing the argument, softening the harsh edges of the memory.

It’s important to note, though, that make-up sex shouldn’t be used as a way to sweep problems under the rug. It won’t make the original conflict disappear, but it can serve as a reminder that, despite the rough patches, there’s still a deep connection and desire to work things out.

Downsides

Though most people agree that make-up sex can work wonders for couples, there are potential drawbacks to having sex after an argument. Here are some issues that might arise:

1You might end up ignoring the big picture.

The problem with constant make-up sex is that it can become a substitute for having serious, heart-to-heart discussions. It’s like putting a band-aid on a deep wound that’s still bleeding—yes, it might stop the bleeding temporarily, but you’ll need more treatments or even surgery to fully heal.

If there’s unresolved frustration from the fight because make-up sex is prioritized instead of communicating, it can turn into resentment. When you start resenting your partner, you may feel like the relationship is unbalanced or that you’re being taken for granted, which can lead to even more conflicts and more intense arguments down the line.

Not only that, but make-up sex can also mask certain red flags, making you believe that the relationship has a solid foundation when it actually doesn’t. Some couples stay because they think the relationship is good due to great sex, even though cheating, abuse, or manipulation are present.

2It might start an unhealthy cycle.

If you’re not resolving issues properly, you and your partner might get stuck in the “make-up sex loop.”

You have a big fight, then passionate sex without fully addressing the underlying problem, only to find yourselves arguing about the same issue again. This cycle can repeat: fight, sex to temporarily end the argument, and then fight again over the same topics.

In some cases, people even instigate fights to have make-up sex afterward, as illustrated in Ariana Grande’s song “Make Up”:

I like to fuck with you just to make up with you
‘Cause the way you be screaming my name
Make me wanna make love to you
I might break up with you just to make up with you
At the end of the day, boy
You know that I’m ’bout to wake up with you

This whole loop is unhealthy and exhausting, which may then lead to a breakup. That’s why if you feel you’re caught in this cycle with your partner, it’s best to have an open discussion about it. Seeking help from a therapist can also provide a fresh perspective and help you navigate these challenges more effectively.

3It could make things worse,

depending on the issue.

Do you know the worst thing to do after a resolved fight? Have bad sex.

Just imagine having an argument with your partner—especially if they were more at fault—and once it’s over, you want to cuddle and reconnect, but instead, they ask for a blowjob. It feels weird, right? It’s as if they’re just saying sorry to get what they want.

That’s why if you notice your partner seems exhausted and just wants to relax or sleep, it’s a good idea to hold off on suggesting sex. However, if the sexual tension is high, and you feel like they want you too, then go ahead and ask for consent in a loving way. Start with soft kisses or gentle touches to set the mood, and let things naturally unfold from there.

Make Up Sex Tips

To avoid the pitfalls of makeup sex and getting stuck in an unhealthy cycle, here are some tips to remember:

1You don’t have to do it right away.

One common misconception about makeup sex is that it has to happen immediately after resolving a fight. This notion is misleading, as makeup sex can actually occur days or even weeks after the resolution.

Various factors may be at play, such as being too tired to engage intimately or needing some space to process emotions. It’s essential to recognize that the timing of makeup sex can differ from couple to couple, and there’s no strict rule about when it should take place.

What truly matters is the intention behind the act. As long as the sex serves as a way to express love, reconnect, and reinforce your bond after that specific fight, it’s still considered makeup sex. Whether it happens right away or later, what’s important is that both partners feel comfortable and connected.

2If your partner isn’t in the mood, respect that.

So you’re feeling a bit horny after having an open conversation with your partner and want to express that vulnerability through sex, but your partner isn’t in the mood. Should you…

a. Get mad at them and accuse them of doing it on purpose to spite you?
b. Get sad and express how much you wish you could be intimate, guilt-tripping them in the process?
c. Stop talking to them and avoid any forms of intimacy whatsoever. 

It’s pretty obvious, but NONE of these options should be considered when your partner declines makeup sex.

Remember, you’re not entitled to your partner’s body just because you’ve resolved issues or apologized for your mistakes. Respecting their feelings is key to maintaining a healthy relationship.

3Don’t use make-up sex to fix to the issue.

As mentioned earlier, make-up sex can lead to a toxic cycle, especially if you’re using it as an alternative to proper conflict resolution. That’s why it’s better not to engage in sex while the fight is still ongoing and then pretend everything is fine when there are still unresolved issues.

Make-up sex isn’t meant to fix the problem; instead, it’s a great way to reconnect after the issues have been fully addressed and resolved. Focusing on healthy communication first ensures that the deed is genuine and meaningful.

4If things turn toxic, consider therapy or ending the relationship.

If all your partner does is engage in screaming matches followed by passionate makeup sex, you might be caught in an unhealthy loop. Ignoring this pattern can lead to toxicity, so consider seeking a couples’ therapist to explore how to navigate these issues.

There may be underlying triggers causing these heated fights, or perhaps the passionate sex is what ignites the arguments in the first place. Overall, it still depends on you and your partner; these reasons are mainly guesses.

If you notice multiple red flags in your relationship, some of which are deal breakers, it might indicate that you and your partner are incompatible despite your strong sexual chemistry. Great sex isn’t enough for a healthy relationship, so in some cases, breaking up may be the best option.

Remember, you deserve a partner who loves and respects you. Never settle for someone who disrespects or abuses you, even if they’re incredibly good in the bedroom.

Takeaway

Make-up sex is often seen as a fulfilling way to rekindle affection after an intense disagreement, creating a sense of intimacy that helps heal the wounds of a fight and reestablish closeness.

However, if approached incorrectly, it can also lead to negative consequences. When it’s used as a quick fix to bypass important conversations, it can create a cycle of unresolved conflicts and resentment in the relationship. That said, doing the deed after an argument should serve as a celebration of love rather than a distraction; remember to resolve the core issues before getting it on.