Are you planning on losing your virginity? Don’t know what to expect once you and your partner lie naked in bed?
Sure, you’ve had that “first-time sex talk” with your friends during a sleepover or while having a get-together at a bar many times. And if you’re that friend whose cherry hasn’t been popped yet, you’re either thinking you’re never going to have sex because of how bloody and messy they made it sound to be, or you’re freaking excited to get on with it so you can experience for yourself just how good it is.
Despite what your friends told you or what you’ve read in your romance novels about sex, nothing can prepare you for it. It doesn’t matter if you’re still in your teenie years, awkwardly going through your classes, or already an adult with an office job; losing your virginity will always be nerve-wracking. Even just thinking about it can get you all worked up. That’s probably why you’re reading this article first.
It would help if you didn’t have unrealistic expectations about your first time. Because chances are, the stories you’ve heard or read are a bit on the exaggerated side. There are just some things people don’t like to bring up in conversations regarding sex. So if you want the unfiltered deets about what happens when you’re losing your virginity, we’re giving it to you in full disclosure.
What Exactly is Virginity?
Let’s start this guide by clarifying the definition of virginity.
Virginity IS NOT…
- A prized possession.
- A gift for your future husband or wife.
- What “losers” have for not getting laid.
- Something that defines your value.
Virginity IS the state of not experiencing sex.
We often put a pedestal on virginity as if it’s a magical element that’ll change your life once it’s gone. It’s also often correlated with the value of womanhood, which is why some women would stick up with an abusive partner that “took” their virginity or no longer see value in themselves after breaking up with that person.
On the other hand, virginity is seen as a weakness or undesirable trait by men. If a guy hasn’t had sex after a certain age, they’ll be seen as a “loser” who can’t get laid. This puts much pressure on men to lose it as soon as possible, even if they know they’re not ready for it.
That said, it’s important to see virginity for what it is… a social construct that describes a person who hasn’t experienced any sexual act.
How Do You “Lose” Your Virginity?
The concept of losing your virginity has become much more complex than it was during your great-grandparents’ time. It doesn’t just involve penis and vagina penetration anymore. That’s way too traditional and heterosexual-focused. There are people out there who may feel alienated by this archaic definition.
Not everyone is into vagina-penis sex; some want it vagina to vagina or penis to anus. Losing one’s virginity for them takes on a different meaning. Society of this time has recognized the fact that there are other types of sex out there. It may mean penetration, or it may have to do with anal, oral, dildo, or manual stimulation.
What You Should Know Before Losing Your Virginity
After defining what virginity is, let’s talk about what you should know before losing it or your “sexual debut” for a more positive approach. Whether you’ve done it already or still contemplating doing the deed, you’ll learn something from this comprehensive list.
1Losing your virginity is not as magical as the media portrays it.
Romance novels and corny chick flicks are to be blamed for all your first-time romantic fantasies. But just a heads up, when you lose your virginity, there may be no sparks flying, no rose petals on the bed, and no lit scented candles around unless you do all the necessary preparations to make everything extra memorable.
But most often than not, you end up doing it in their place without any added props. And romance most likely isn’t a priority for the two of you when you’re getting it on. You may find yourself grabbing and humping each other in the most animalistic way in the heat of passion. Losing your virginity can still be sensual and passionate, but it may not be as flawless as you would expect. You’ll still have a lot of fun, though!
2It can be uncomfortable for people with vaginas, but it shouldn’t feel extremely painful.
A mysterious foreign object is invading your vagina. So yes, losing your virginity could hurt people with vaginas. It especially hurts if your partner puts it in when you’re not ready yet. Your vagina produces fluids that serve as lubrication during penetration. The more aroused you are, the more you produce these fluids.
So if your goal is to have the least pain possible, you better spend a substantial amount of time with your foreplay. And if that’s still not enough, you can combat vaginal dryness using lube. Spread it all over you, and you can be slick and wet for your partner.
However, if the pain is excruciating to the point that the deed is unbearable, you can always ask for a break or end the session altogether. Please consult a healthcare provider as there may be an underlying cause, or maybe you’re not ready for the deed and need some extra time to feel comfortable with it.
3Your partner is probably as nervous as you are.
It takes two to tango. If you’re nervous because it’s your first time, your partner probably feels the same. It may not be his first time to have sex, but it’s still his first time doing it with you. You’re both naked in bed and full of nerves.
To ease the tension, communication is key here. Talk to each other, point out what he’s doing right, whether you feel good when his hands are groping you in such a way. Or how amazing his tongue feels when he kisses you down there. He will be encouraged as you prod him on, and it may just be the incentive he needs to take it up a notch.
4Female virgins don’t have to bleed during their first time.
Not every first-time sex is a horror story with blood gushing out of your vag. Just because you’ve heard from your friend Judie that she bled like she’s been stabbed in her vagina doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to you. Each female body is unique.
The hymen, a thin fold of skin covering the vagina, has a lot to do with the bleeding during your first sex. We have slight differences with the way our hymen is structured. Some have more hymenal tissues, some have less, and on rare occasions, few don’t even have any. If you belong to the group who have more hymenal tissues, there’s a higher chance of bleeding when your hymen is stretched out or torn.
5Trying out sexual moves from porn can bring more harm than good.
No matter how confident you are, don’t ever attempt to copy what your fave porn star does in her most viewed porn video. They’ve been at it for years to make impressive, acrobatic, sometimes backbreaking moves. That crazy thrusting is not for amateurs like you. So leave it to the pros, and stick to a missionary or a doggy style if you want to push it. You’re in the clear as long as it’s nothing too wild.
Porn may be great to watch while you’re masturbating but not the ideal learning material for your first time in bed. Most of the porn is staged. They’re performing and getting paid for it. It’s not exactly how reality works.
6It’s okay to withdraw consent in the middle of the deed.
For our ladies out there… Let’s say you’re already pinned down in bed, and he’s already about to put it in. But you see his ginormous thing, and you can’t help but freak out. Questions keep swirling in your head in the last few seconds. “Is that going to fit?” “Will it hurt?” “Oh my god, am I going to die?” All thoughts of sex are out the window, and all you want to do is to run for the door. But he already looks so aroused, and you’re afraid it’s too late to back out.
We’re telling you now if you feel any hesitation, you can tell him to stop. AND THAT’S OKAY. There’s no such thing as a point of no return in sex. No matter what base you are, you can change your mind ANY TIME.
This tip also goes with men suddenly uncomfortable with the deed; it’s okay to stop the session— you’re not weak for doing so.
7Mistakes are going to happen; chuckle it off!
When you’re just starting on something, it’s normal to make mistakes. You can’t just be a pro in one go. So for those worried that they’ll do something weird their first time, laugh it off! Taking it seriously can ruin the vibe. Besides, someone who can own up to their mistakes and have fun is a lot hotter than someone who whines about a simple mishap.
8Lube is your friend.
Before losing your virginity, you’ve got to know this fact. Did you know that your body and mind can respond differently to sexual stimulation or arousing situations? It’s called arousal non-concordance, when one’s genital response doesn’t align with their mental state of arousal.
So for those who are incredibly aroused but aren’t wet or hard enough, don’t think you’re normal. This is a common phenomenon, which is why there are sexual wellness products that could help you navigate conditions such as this one.
If you’re not wet enough, you can always go for lube! They’re formulated to emulate vaginal lubrication, ensuring a smooth glide during the deed. They also come with stimulating effects that could help with one’s erection.
9Never let someone talk you out of using a condom.
If your partner says that they don’t want to use a condom and says things like:
“Ooooh, it just doesn’t feel as good.”
“You’ll enjoy it more if there’s no condom.”
“Contraceptives are bad for you…”
“If you love me, we’ll leave the condom off, okay?”
Don’t get swayed by those lines. Unprotected sex can lead to unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Both are equally expensive and life-changing— better to be safe than sorry. Besides, a good partner is also looking after your well-being. If someone pressures you to engage in unprotected sex, run as fast as possible.
10Pregnancy can happen even if you do it for the first time.
No, virgins are not exempted from getting pregnant. If you had unprotected sex, then there’s a chance of having a baby. We recommend checking out birth control options, such as implants and birth control pills, before starting your sexual journey.
11You don’t lose a part of yourself when you lose your virginity.
Due to the stigma surrounding sex, especially in ultra-conservative environments, people think they’ll lose a part of themselves once they’ve given up their v-card. That’s why the notion that virginity is a gift to your life partner exists.
Virginity is a state of being, not a part of your identity. You won’t feel less of a person having sex. This belief only pushes people to suppress their sexual desires or makes them ashamed of wanting to fulfill one of life’s basic needs.
12It’s better to stay a virgin than pressure yourself into doing it.
Losing your virginity shouldn’t be the best experience of the most significant sex in your life. However, we suggest making it as memorable as it can be. Memorable in a way that if you would look back, even if you’ve broken up with your partner, you could say that you had a great time and that your partner was supportive throughout the process.
That said, don’t have sex for the sake of losing your virginity. You may put yourself in uncompromising situations if you’re doing it because of FOMO or relationship issues. You shouldn’t expect first-time sex to be magical, but it shouldn’t be an awful experience.
13The hymen isn’t the sole indicator if someone is virgin or not.
One of the common misconceptions about losing your virginity for females is that the hymen will tear you apart.
The hymen is a thin, fleshy tissue that fully or partially covers the vaginal opening. People think that when the penis or dildo enters the vagina, the hymen will be torn apart, resulting in bleeding or soreness. Also, people think that if you don’t feel a barrier when having sex with a female virgin, they’re lying to you.
The thing is, the hymen is pretty stretchy, and it comes in different forms. Some people’s hymen are thick, while others come with multiple holes or are thin enough that a penis may not even fill inside the vagina. So using this fleshy tissue as a basis for someone’s virginity is inaccurate and unfair.
14Try consulting your healthcare provider before venturing into sexual-hood.
Never take your health for granted. Talking to a medical practitioner can help you look at sex more objectively. You learn how it affects your body and whether you’re prepared to lose your virginity.
A lot of your discussion will probably be about unplanned pregnancy and different STIs with matching disturbing illustrations, making the whole conversation painfully awkward for you. But by the end of the consultation, you can use your new knowledge to practice safe and healthy sex.
If it makes you feel any better, doctors aren’t new to vaginas and penises. You may think yours is a special case (it’s not), but they deal with people’s privates daily, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. And they’re also bound to physician-patient confidentiality. This means what’s been said in the examination room stays in the examination room.
15Getting a sexually transmitted infection can happen even in first-time sex.
Like pregnancy, virgins are not exempt from sexually transmitted infections, such as Chlamydia, Syphilis, Pubic Lice, Gonorrhea, Human Papillomavirus (HPV), genital herpes, and others.
That said, ‘glove before love’ should be your mantra. Always use condoms and dental dams, as these are the only contraceptives to help minimize STI risk. It’s also recommended to get yourself checked regularly for STIs. If you’re worried about the budget, the good news is that there are sexual health clinics across the country, such as LoveYourself Inc, that offer free HIV testing and other affordable tests.
16Having sex wouldn’t “transform” you.
Losing your virginity opens you to the exciting world of sex, but don’t expect that you’ll be a “new person” because of it. Again, your virginity isn’t tied to your identity or value.
17Setting the mood is essential.
People think your first-time sex should be quick and intense, as most sex scenes have portrayed it in this manner. Taking time? Nah, the couple cannot contain themselves… so much that the dick has got to be inside immediately.
But in reality, it’s okay to take things slow. Getting into the mood will help you or your female partner get enough lubricated. It’ll also relax your body, warming it up for penetration. Besides, it’s your first time. Savor each moment as you won’t get your first-time experience ever again.
18There’s a chance you won’t cum… or cum too quickly.
If it’s something that you’re looking forward to, we’re sorry to break it to you, but yeah, you may not experience the bliss of orgasm during your first time.
Women are less likely to orgasm during sex than men, according to research. Your friend probably lied to you about how she came and saw the Queen when she had sex for the first time. It sucks, we know. But don’t despair just yet. If you can manage to engage in plenty of foreplay and don’t immediately jump to penetration, the chances of you having an orgasm can increase.
As for our penis-having readers, as much as you want it to last longer, vaginal or anal penetration will introduce you to many orgasm-inducing sensations, so you may cum much quicker than expected. We understand that you may be embarrassed about it, but note that it’s normal for first-timers. You’ll soon be able to have longer sexual plays; keep going!
19Enthusiasm is everything.
Before losing your virginity, it’s vital to know that you don’t have to be incredibly good and knowledgeable in the bedroom… All you need to have is genuine interest and enthusiasm in the deed.
Enthusiasm means engaging in the activity and trying different ways to pleasure your partner. For instance, if you’re female and currently in a missionary position, don’t just lie in there. Use your hands to play with your partner’s body, move your hips, and say dirty or romantic things to your lover.
If you’re a dude, don’t let your partner suck you dry without returning the favor. Also, the clitoris is the key to female orgasm, so make sure to play with that.
20There’ll be a lot of weird fluids, smells, and noises involved.
We’re not just talking about you moaning and groaning in bed. It’s the sound your bodies make when your hips and your partner’s belly collide while you ride him or that weird squeaky noise as the man thrusts his penis in and out of you, or that awkward noise your vagina makes that sounds close to a fart (it’s called queefing by the way). You’ll also share a lot of fluids— saliva, sweat, genital fluids, semen, and more.
Don’t be grossed out when you hear these sounds or when you’ve dealt with different fluids; they’re normal and are part of the unglamorous side of sex.
21Shower before and after!
Some couples can get into the heat of the moment, but doing the deed without smelling fresh can be off-putting for some, so if you have time to prep, take a quick shower or, better yet… shower together!
22Overthinking can ruin the fun.
Remember that first time you went to your local gym? You were kind of shy and just there testing the machines, trying to figure out how they work, and worrying if you were doing it right. Well, that feeling of being a total noob is a little the same with your first-time sex. You’re just not entirely sure of what you’re doing. You kind of know, but kinda not? You bombard yourself with questions like, “Is this supposed to go here? Can I touch this? Where do I put my hand?”
Don’t overthink it. You have to let yourself explore and make mistakes. It’s the best way to learn.
23Exploring your body first can do wonders.
No one knows your body better than you do. Frequent masturbation can help you identify how you like to be pleasured, which parts of your body are most sensitive and whether you like it slow or fast, or rough or sensual.
If you can’t even figure out what makes you happy in bed, it’s a bit much to expect your first-time partner to know that part about you. You may get a few surprises when having sex with a partner for the first time, but it’s nothing that you can’t pick up through some alone time with yourself.
24Be vocal about your sexual desires.
Before you lose your virginity, it’s best to remember that your partner is not a mind reader. If you want more fingering, more kissing, less nipple-sucking, or gentler stroking… you’ve got to say it to them. A good partner wouldn’t be offended by being given directions—most peeps like it when their partners know what they want.
Since you’re still a virgin and you may be unsure what you would like in the bedroom, take time to feel the deed and then use that as a basis for figuring out your desires.
25Sex isn’t synonymous with intimacy or love.
Virginity has a deep meaning for some. And finding someone you’re comfortable enough to have sex with for the first time is a special time in your life. Relationships take on a different level when there’s sex involved, sure. But just because you lost your virginity to that one guy, it’s not a guarantee that he will stick around and the two of you will be together forever. So don’t set your hopes too high.
Understand that sex isn’t the only thing you need to build a strong relationship. If it is, that’s a flimsy foundation you have there. Because, let’s face it, you’re not having sex 24/7 with your bae. A much more important part of a solid relationship is the love and care you share for each other.
26No, you will not get into “hell” for doing it.
Sex has brought shame to people due to the stigma it carries, such as that pre-marital sex is a sin. Though having sex outside the marriage is considered part of sexual immorality, there’s no specific scripture in the bible that states that non-married couples having sex is a sin.
Overall, it’s up to your beliefs, but never think that wanting to fulfill your basic needs and desires will put you in hell.
27How you’ll lose your virginity doesn’t set the tone for your sex life would be…
If your first experience is a bit on the awkward side, don’t worry. You can always try again. Your first-time sex isn’t going to be the indicator of how your sex life will be. There’s always room to grow.
28…but according to studies, it could contribute to certain aspects.
However, a study from the Universities of Tennessee and Mississippi says that first-time experiences can affect a person’s next sexual session. According to the researchers, the participants who have positive first-time experiences have more satisfying sexual interactions than those who’ve had negative losing-virginity experiences. Keep in mind that there are limited studies to back up this claim.
29Pee after sex.
This is an important tip for our vulva-having folks before losing your virginity. Pee after the deed!
During intercourse, bacteria may come into contact with your urinary tract through the urethra, the tiny hole right above your vagina. When you pee, you’ll be able to flush those germs and avoid getting a urinary tract infection (UTI). This condition is treatable, but the experience can be agonizingly painful, so it’s better to prevent it than to treat it.
30If you discover a sexual issue, consult a specialist as soon as possible.
Losing your virginity may be uncomfortable, but if you end up with severe discomfort during or after the deed, make sure to consult your healthcare provider. You may have an underlying condition that needs to be addressed.
Now that you have a quick run-down of things they don’t tell you about when losing your virginity, do you think you’re ready for it? If you are, take note of everything here and live life to the fullest.
And if you aren’t ready but still want to enjoy a good orgasm, you can always use love toys to help you explore your sexuality. There are toys such as clitoral vibrators that you can use to stimulate your clitoris if you don’t want to break your hymen just yet. But whatever your answer is, remember that your body is the only one you got in this lifetime; you don’t get any spares. So treat it with care and respect.