Your Desires, Your Rules: Why Vanilla Shaming Has to Stop

Despite the growing openness around sexual wellness—thanks to sex educators and experts using social media to promote sex-positivity—shaming and stigma still persist, including the judgment of those who prefer conventional or vanilla sex, notably known as vanilla shaming.

What is Considered Vanilla Sex?

Vanilla sex is a slang word for ‘conventional sex’, which is a kind of sex that doesn’t involve rough actions like slapping, spitting, strangulation, hair pulling, biting, or gagging. It also excludes BDSM-related activities and kinks such as power exchange, restraint, impact play, and humiliation or degradation.

Instead, vanilla sex focuses on more conventional activities, including kissing, gentle caresses, groping, oral play, and teasing, all of which are done in classic sex positions like missionary and spooning. The pace is slower, and the overall vibe is much gentler compared to other types of sex. Think of it like vanilla ice cream— classic, simple, and widely enjoyed.

What is Vanilla Shaming?

However, just like its ice cream counterpart, some people view vanilla sex as “boring.”

Vanilla shaming is a term used to describe the harmful notions and messaging surrounding vanilla sex. With BDSM and other kinks gaining more recognition online, vanilla sex is sometimes seen as too basic, creating the misconception that those who prefer it are missing out on more adventurous experiences.

In some cases, being “vanilla” is used as an insult, implying that people who are into it are bad or selfish in bed. There’s also a common misconception that vanilla sex lacks passion or pleasure when, in reality, it can be just as fulfilling and playful as any other type of sex.

Why Vanilla Shaming is Harmful

Vanilla shaming needs to stop because it pressures people into doing things they’re not comfortable with— and that’s a big no-no when it comes to sex! While exploring new experiences can be exciting, it should always be within your personal comfort zone.

Beyond that, vanilla shaming goes against the very essence of sexual exploration. The whole point of trying new things in the bedroom is discovering what truly brings you pleasure. But when people feel pressured to follow trends instead of their desires, they might ignore what excites them just to fit in.

Everyone has their own preferences in the bedroom. Some enjoy it rough, while others prefer a gentler experience. Ultimately, it’s all about what feels right for you—whether you’re into a simple vanilla cone or a cup of caramel ice cream loaded with sprinkles, the choice is yours!

So, if your partner is mocking your preferences in the bedroom, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation with them. If they continue to shame you for enjoying conventional sex, it might be worth reconsidering the relationship.

No one should make you feel bad about your desires. You deserve a partner who respects and celebrates your sensuality—someone who encourages exploration without pressure and supports what works with you.

Takeaway

Vanilla shaming revolves around mocking and unfair messaging toward people who prefer a gentler approach in the bedroom, implying that those who enjoy conventional sex aren’t exciting or are a “killjoy” in bed. But the truth is, everyone has their own preferences, and no one should be shamed for wanting something simpler.

Wanna explore kinks? Go for it. Crave something more intimate? Embrace it. Do you and your partner want elements of pain in there? Explore and have fun! As long as you and your partner have given informed and enthusiastic consent, you’re free to explore your sexcapades.