Let’s face it: we all have or have had the fear of dating. It can come from a multitude of reasons, but whatever it is, it halts you from putting yourself out there and experiencing life with a significant other. It can even be classified as dating anxiety when we choose to avoid dates or the concept of them. Or in another case, we do meet someone we’re interested in, but we just aren’t feeling ourselves around them.
You might be wondering: can this be solved? Will I be able to date in peace and with joy with every person I meet?
The answer is quite simple: Yes. However, it requires a significant amount of work on your part to make that happen.
But hey, no worries, that’s what we’re here for. And well, what this guide is all about. From the definition, the reasons behind this fear, and even how to overcome it, we’ll ensure you’re well-equipped to conquer any dating-related fears and anxieties, and attract new, enjoyable experiences. Happy reading!
What is the Fear of Dating?
The fear of dating, or sometimes linked with or known as dating anxiety, is a social type of fear that involves romantic or sexual interactions with other people. In other words, they experience nervousness, along with many other jittery emotions, as they put themselves out there in the dating realm.
This is especially prominent during the early stages of getting to know someone, such as on the first few dates or when approaching them. They want things to go right and also have control, except they can only control how they feel, but not how the person they’re seeing is, or the circumstances they’re put in. Loss of control can cause you to spiral and increase your worries at that very moment.
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Why Do People Have a Fear of Dating
Being afraid to date is a valid concern, but why is that the case? Read this informative section to learn more.
1 They’ve experienced conflicted relationships.
Such relationships can be between a friend and their partner or your parents. Even just witnessing their dynamics in person can be enough to turn them off from dating around in the future. Sure, you can’t be sure if your next or first relationship would end up like that, but it’s better to spare yourself the drama, right? And so, the idea of dating irks them because they want to feel safe rather than uncertain.
Aside from this, they may have been ghosted, embarrassed by, or broken up with, so they don’t want to open up only to get hurt again.
2 They fear rejection or abandonment.
It’s possible for someone to have a heightened fear of dating or dating anxiety if they’ve dated around before and it didn’t turn out well. Or maybe they put themselves out there, only to be rejected because the feelings of the person they were with didn’t resonate with theirs.
If not that, they may be afraid to date because of something deeper, like childhood-related issues that are linked to rejection or abandonment (e.g., having an absent parent). Having low self-esteem due to rejection or abandonment is also possible here.
Whatever the case is, dating can be daunting because if they get rejected, the person may take it personally rather than viewing it as a mismatch. Thus, they’d rather not get into that world.
3 They are a perfectionist or have such tendencies.
Someone with a fear of dating or dating anxiety may potentially believe that they need to be “perfect” to be lovable. This belief can also stem from their upbringing, making it harder to outgrow. As a result, showing their flaws or making mistakes as they date can amplify their anxiety because it feels “wrong”. But honey, mistakes are a part of life. It’s how we learn and grow. And our flaws? It’s what makes us who we are. Trust us, there will be someone who won’t pay any mind to those things, but you have to step into your own healing journey so you can better yourself and what your dating persona is going to be like.
What Fear of Dating Feels Like
People who have a fear of dating or dating anxiety would often experience:
- Difficulty expressing who they are (may put on a mask or full-on facade that is deemed “acceptable” to who they’re with, aka people pleasing)
- Full aversion to dating or even having crushes (they’d even go as far as denial when things begin to escalate, my guy)
- Physical symptoms include a fast heart rate, heaving, sweating, fidgeting, pacing, and rushed or slow verbal responses.
- Overthinking or self-sabotaging before and/or after dates
- Fear of rejection, vulnerability, embarrassment, and even being judged by another person
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How to Deal and Eventually Solve Your Fear of Dating
Overcome your dating-related fears and anxieties through our insightful tips below. Feel free to follow them in order or choose the ones that resonate with you the most. Good luck!
1 Acknowledge that you have it.
When it comes to fears or anxieties, you may either deny or recognize them. Denying it only suppresses your emotions, while acknowledging it makes you more aware and gives you space to work through it. In the case of the fear of dating, you notice that you get easily jittery minutes before a date, and it takes a moment to calm down. You may even call a friend beforehand for extra support. Knowing these signs and that they’re linked to dating anxiety puts you one step closer to properly dealing with and solving it.
2 Challenge your inner critic.
Identify thoughts related to your fear of dating or dating anxiety when they arise. From there, challenge and question it. That way, you strip it of its power and regain control of the situation.
Here are some examples of negative thoughts and positive reframes to replace them:
- “I’m gonna embarrass myself.” ➡️ “It’s okay to be a bit awkward. I’ve handled awkward moments and did just fine.”
- “They’ll never like me.” ➡️ “It doesn’t matter if they like me. This date is a two-street, wherein I’m also seeing if I like them too.”
- “I’m not good enough for this date.” ➡️ “I have nothing to prove. Just being here is already shows my value, and I’m here to connect honestly and share to them who I really am.”
Another way to challenge your inner critic is to question it, as we mentioned earlier. Those questions may be:
- “Is this thought 100% real?”
- “What would I do if a friend has this thought?”
- “Is it productive?”
- “Is it just mental clutter?”
- “Are there other things we can focus other than this?”
This route takes time to practice and master, but the discipline gained from it is worth it.
3 Shift your focus.
When going on a date or dating, we tend to focus on impressing the person we’re with and making them like us more. Admit it!
If that’s the case, why not change it? Instead of trying to impress them, focus on learning more about them. Be keen and open-minded as you evaluate whether they’re a good match for you. Learn their interests, dislikes, quirks, and potential pet peeves. Then decide for yourself if you want to pursue them further.
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4 Start small.
This tip is advisable when you’re slowly working your way out of your fear of dating or dating anxiety. Keep the stakes small so you don’t overwhelm yourself, yet you still gain growth and improvement. Since dating is a social activity, you can start by improving your social skills. It can be as simple as picking up a short conversation or engaging in small talk with a barista upon ordering your drink, complimenting a stranger’s outfit, or asking what book they’re reading.
These ideas, among many others that you can brainstorm on your own, build comfort with socializing, which can then build more courage when you enter or re-enter the dating zone.
5 Set realistic expectations.
Dating, especially the first times, is meant to be messy and imperfect. It’s you trying out something new, and nobody gets anything right and pretty on the first try. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. But it’s not, hence not everyone would be dating left and right. But you? You’re making a big step here into venturing into the dating aspect of yourself.
6 Learn how to self-regulate.
This skill is essential in every aspect of your life. In this case, with fear of dating or dating anxiety, doing grounding exercises like deep breathing or meditation before a date or talking to someone can help you stay calm and present in the moment. You may even call a trusted companion to release any nerves and promote bonding.
7 Seek professional help.
Working things out with a therapist, especially someone who specializes in social or relationship anxiety, can provide you with better and more specific input on what’s causing your dating-related fears and anxiety, unpack them, and eventually aid you in building confidence. Plus, it leaves room for you to fully open up, be vulnerable and honest, and come fully clean as a way to set you free from your mental load.
Aside from this, undergoing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help identify and reframe distorted thoughts, thereby rebalancing your mindset.
Takeaway
To a certain degree, the fear of dating or dating anxiety is common and normal, especially when you’ve never dated before, and it’ll be your first time to dive into the realm. However, it can become extreme if it physically and mentally affects your well-being. It’s essential to check in with yourself, especially when you’re ready to get back into dating. Aside from that, setting realistic expectations, shifting your focus, and even seeking professional help may improve how you view and deal with dating.
We hope you learned a great deal from this guide and that it adds value and purpose to your self-development journey.
For more dating-related and self-help guides, visit the Lauvblog here.
