Dear Dr. Sex,
I’m 42 years old and still a virgin. I feel sad and hopeless about it, knowing that the best years to have sex are well behind me. I tried going out, but it seems that I have no luck in the dating scene.
Is it too late for a woman my age to have sex for the first time? Is it even worth it to try it at this point? And if it is, what steps should I take to make up for a lost time?
I’m also wondering if being a virgin at my age can be a turnoff to men? Should I even tell my future partner that I’m inexperienced? Society puts such an emphasis on age, so I’m worried that they may feel iffy about me being still a virgin. I hope you can help me with my dilemma, thank you in advance.
Thank you for emailing us and sharing your story. We may not understand what you exactly feel right now, but we can sense the frustration just with the letter you’ve sent to us. The pandemic may also be contributing to what you feel since the dating space isn’t as accessible as it is before.
You mentioned in the email that you feel like you’ve missed out on having sex in your best years. We get that you may be discouraged from doing it since some people claim that having sex in your 40s wouldn’t be as pleasurable as doing it in your younger years. However, this notion is nothing but a myth.
It’s not too late to have a satisfying sex life.
Yes, you may experience symptoms of age-related hormonal flux that could affect your sexcapades, such as vaginal dryness or decreasing libido. Still, there are tons of treatments and natural remedies you can take to help you get through it. And while having sex as a young adult may be less challenging than doing it in your 40s, it doesn’t mean that the quality of the experience is necessarily better.
You can learn to love sex at any age, so don’t rush the process of finding someone to share this intimate moment with– just do the deed when you’re fully ready. We also suggest asking yourself these questions.
- “What are my views about virginity? Am I seeing it as a milestone or something to lose?”
- “Do I really want to have sex right, or am I just being pressured to do so because of my age?”
- “Do I want to be in a committed relationship when doing this act, or would I be fine casually doing it with a trusted individual?”
- “What are the sexual acts that I’m fine doing with, and what are the acts that I’m not willing to do just yet?”
- “What will be the contraceptives that my future partner and I should use to prevent unintended pregnancies or sexually transmitted infections?”
By internally asking yourself these questions, you’ll be able to make a plan and figure out the circumstances you would want to experience for your first time. Though the plan may not work perfectly, it’s still better to think about it and make the necessary preparations.
Now, you’ve also mentioned in your email that you’re wondering if being a virgin at your age would be a turnoff. Though virginity isn’t necessarily a big deal to most people, some may find it uncomfortable or overwhelmed with having sex with someone inexperienced.
With that, we suggest communicating with your partner regarding your virginity before getting intimate with them. Tell your future partner the story behind as to why you’re still a virgin. In that way, your partner can also make the necessary preparations to make the deed safe, comfortable, and pleasurable.
As for the next steps that you should take after reading this article, start by virtually going back to the dating scene again (emphasis on virtually… because we’re still in a pandemic).
Install some well-known dating apps and start swiping. You can also check social media forums, or better yet, ask some of your friends if they have single colleagues that are interested in dating. Finding love isn’t solely about luck– you also need to put in the effort to go out there and spend time cultivating good relationships.
I hope that this article has encouraged you to open yourself to new erotic possibilities. Please keep believing in yourself– you’ll kickstart your sensual journey soon. Wishing you all the best!