Ever met someone and suddenly you’re getting a full download of their life, like childhood trauma, their toxic exes, or the time their best friend stole from them? They’ve squeezed years’ worth of stories into just a couple of hours.
Or maybe you’ve caught yourself rambling to some random guy you met at a club, then later wondering, “Wait… was that too much?”
That’s called floodlighting. And while it seems like a way to build instant connection, it can have a few downsides.
What is Floodlighting?
Created by author and psychologist Brené Brown, floodlighting refers to the act of oversharing too soon, usually within the first few dates. Deeply personal topics like exes, childhood trauma, mental health issues, or friendship fallouts are being discussed before there’s enough emotional trust or connection built.
Now, if you’re wondering whether you or the person you’re dating might be floodlighting, here are some signs to look out for:
- Instantly shares something deeply personal within the first few dates
- Jumps between light and heavy topics
- Subtly pressuring the other party to share something intimate
Why People Do It
There’s no single reason why someone might floodlight during dates, but here are some common factors that could lead to this kind of behavior:
- They genuinely believe floodlighting can build instant emotional connection.
- They’re used to seeing people oversharing on social media, so they think it’s okay to overshare in real-life, too.
- Some do it as a way of manipulation so that they can get what they want from the other person, like sex, money, etc.
- They might feel burned out by the dating scene and want to “speed things up.”
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Why It Pushes People Away
The reality about floodlighting is that it won’t build an instant connection. What it does is it makes the other person overwhelmed and slightly pressured to share their own stories.
Now, there are cases where emphatic people do end up sharing their own stories and connecting instantly thru oversharing, but those are sooooo rare. Most of the time, the other person find themselves getting suspicious with the floodlighter and may even end the connection after those first few dates.
How to Deal With Floodlighting
Feel like your date is floodlighting you? Here’s what you can do. First, try moving the conversation toward lighter topics. Sometimes, people overshare because they’re nervous, so guiding them through another topic can help them relax and stop the rambling before it gets too heavy.
However, if the floodlighting continues, just honestly tell them that the stories their sharing are waaaaay too intimate and sensitive for a first few dates. Sometimes, they simply don’t know what they’re doing is weird and suspicious. But if they get overly defensive, it might be a sign to reconsider seeing them again.
What to Do If You’re Floodlighting
But let’s flip the script for a second… What if you’re the one doing the oversharing?
Here’s the thing, the fact that you’re even aware of it is already a big win. Recognizing the behavior is the first and most important step toward change. Here are some tips to help you work through this incessant oversharing:
1Start with lighthearted topics.
Begin the conversation with something casual, like your job, hobbies, favorite movies, or even a recent viral post you both saw. Also ask open-ended questions to keep the exchange flowing and give the other person space to share.
2Save the deeper stuff for later meetups.
We get that you want to share some personal stories as they’re part of why you’re the person that you’ve become now. However, there’s a right time for those intimate stories. Go on at least 4 or more dates before sharing anything that’s sensitive to your partner. Just have fun at those beginning stages!
Of course, if they share something vulnerable first and you genuinely feel comfortable, it’s okay to reciprocate, but don’t feel pressured to match their depth if you’re not ready.
3Check in with yourself before sharing.
Before opening up about something personal, ask yourself: Why do I want to share this right now? Is it to bond, or is it coming from a place of anxiety or a desire to fast-track intimacy? Pausing to reflect can help you share more intentionally.
4Practice active listening.
Shift the focus from what you want to say to what the other person is sharing. This helps you stay grounded in the moment and makes the conversation more balanced and mutual.
Takeaway
Floodlighting isn’t the most toxic dating trend, like catfishing, negging, or breadcrumbing, but it’s still something to watch out for. Oversharing to the point where the other person feels drained isn’t healthy for any relationship, so make sure to be check what you’re telling your current or future date.
