This article on sexual compatibility is meant to be a source of valuable information for the reader; however, it is not a substitute for direct expert assistance. Seek help from a health professional if you’re struggling with this issue.
In a healthy relationship, sex may be a more important factor within its numerous components. And that’s okay because we all have different expectations and standards. Although we’d want a love so strong, we also crave a sex life that ignites numerous sparks.
So aside from how long you and your partner have been together, considering your sexual compatibility matters if you want your relationship to flourish. With that, let’s dive in further about this concept and determine if you’re receiving all the answers to all of your sexual needs.
What is Sexual Compatibility?
This term has no exact definition as it’s still something people don’t discuss out of embarrassment or fear of ruining the relationship. Tragic, right?
However, popular sex therapist Sari Cooper challenges that. She defined sexual compatibility as:
“It’s when two partners have similar sexual needs and desires. Because of this, their sex experiences are always fun.”
These two partners are also constantly on the same page regarding sex. Whether they share the same level of eagerness to try new things in the bedroom, know which ones not to try, have the same libido levels, and engage in acts they both enjoy, they’re never to turn down the offer to get down and dirty. Because of that, every sex session fulfills them with the flowing desire for more sultry times.
In fact, an article from Psychology Today stated that there had been reports wherein sexual satisfaction is directly proportional to relationship satisfaction. If one aspect increases, the other will follow. In other words, happy sex, happy relationship.
Meanwhile, this means it applies to the opposite effect as well. Unsatisfactory sex means an unsatisfactory relationship. For some, this may be true, but it all depends on how you view sex and relationships. Because luckily, sexual compatibility can also be developed over time if it didn’t occur naturally in the beginning. So don’t give up yet!
This idea shouldn’t be a deal breaker in relationships because there are other relevant things that make up a relationship. But again, if sex is a big deal for you in a relationship, then keep reading about how to find the most compatible person.
Factors Behind Sexual Compatibility
As mentioned earlier, sexual compatibility is rooted in your personal perspective on sex and relationships. Based on Healthline, individual surroundings matter with your sexual needs. From how you were raised and such, they’ll construct your beliefs and needs.
Alongside that, the concept of sex and sexual activities blends in with them. From there, you’ll eventually know what you desire in sex in a relationship and filter out the kind of people you don’t want to engage with.
Some factors that impact sexual compatibility include:
- Sexual Preferences: This can include sexual orientation and gender identity.
- Turn-ons: Ask yourself what you are sexually into, fantasies, or what makes you wet/hard.
- Turn-offs: Ponder on what are major no-nos in the bedroom and what to avoid.
- X times you want to do it: A 2017 study from Archives of Sexual Behavior says that on average, a couple has sex once a week. This aspect also depends on your libido, although there are no proper amount of times to have sex.
- Duration: From 5 minutes to 5 rounds, how long do you want to do the deed? Major bonus if your and your partner’s staminas can keep up with each other!
- How you’d have sex: Focus on how you want to escalate from the tension to the deed. Consider how you’d do foreplay to whether you both want to reach an orgasm (or maybe only one of you wants to in certain situations.).
- Views on sex: People may see sex as an act they’ll save for marriage, a need to be in a happy relationship, counts only as penis-vagina penetration, or maybe only oral penetration. These are among the many ways people see the topic.
- Physical and Mental Health: Having issues in these departments may affect your sex life because you may unintentionally trigger something, which may be difficult to solve.
- Long-term goals: These can include family planning, education, moving abroad, and more. Seeing eye to eye with your partner here helps strengthen your relationship because the longer you’re together, the more life changes you’ll experience.
- Environment: Consider the mood in which you’ll do the act. Lights, music, location (private or public), ponder on those things with your partner.
Signs of High Sexual Compatibility
Now that you have a clearer understanding of how sexual compatibility works, we’re onto the indicators in which we can identify whether or not a couple is sexually compatible. Consider this section like a checklist to tick off when the statement applies to you and your partner. This can also be a list of indicators of what to look for in the sex department when you’re a single avidly looking for a relationship.
1 Sex is something you constantly work on.
From the first time you’ve done it together, you never leave it as is. You never settle for just good or average sex. Like even if the sex may be good now, you’re both always down to experiment and heighten your intimacy. The same goes if the sex isn’t up to your expectations; you’ll try to fulfill each other’s needs.
2 You’re comfortable in your own skin.
You know what you like and such, whether it’s through self-pleasure or spending time with yourself non-sexually. You need to spare time to get to know and appreciate yourself because it’ll affect how you act around your (future) partner. With being comfortable, confidence seeps in and nothing else can waver that.
3 You’re keen to learn more about each other.
In sex, it’s easily tempting to only focus on your sexual needs. Whether you want to orgasm after a long dry spell or to experience receiving head for the first time, you prioritize yourself first. However with the right partner, it’s different. Rather than centering on your needs when you and your partner reach the sexual point of your relationship, your curiosity about what gets them off sexually intensifies. Because as much as you want to enjoy the sex, you desire that they enjoy it just as much. So it’s effortless to venture into different kinks and practices, as long as it’s safe and consensual.
4 You hold no secrets.
Transparency is one aspect of a relationship that keeps it honest and strong. This is rooted when you and your partner establish deep trust throughout your relationship. This would also mean you’re both actively discussing various parts of your relationship openly, wherein nothing is a bad topic. And invitingly, sex isn’t out of the equation. Whether they hasten the foreplay, struggle to find the clitoris, or accidentally use teeth while giving a blowjob, you’d calmly tell them with good intentions.
Sex is something that should be free from your worries. So whenever you can, verbalize what can be improved without malice or react meanly to their comments. If a person loves you, they’ll be honest because they only want what’s best for you and the relationship. Overall, you shouldn’t be ashamed to discuss what’s missing nor would you lie to impress them.
5 You respect each other.
While knowing your and your partner’s individual interests and fantasies to try, you don’t judge each other. From all your imperfections to the parts you’re confident in, you both accept each other for who you are. You’d never do anything harmful that urges them to change their authentic self. Never would you cross their boundaries, force your partner into acts they aren’t down for, nor do anything that’ll trigger them. In every sex session, they respect your current emotions, libido level, and the acts you want to do at that moment.
6 You treat sex as something meaningful.
Like how your job is a priority to maintain your household, sex is a priority to strengthen your intimacy and relationship. You make time for it in your busy days, not only doing it just because you’re together. You also don’t take it for granted, taking your time to make the sex special even in the smallest ways before reaching your highs.
Whether your favorite songs are playing in the background or devour your core a little longer than usual, each session has highlights you’ll never forget. Some can label sex as sweet lovemaking if they’re in a romantic relationship, even if their pace is rough and the words exchanged are filthy. Even if everyone has their subjective definition of sex, we all want to have sex that makes us feel whole and loved.
7 You see eye to eye with your ideas of sex.
Currently, you aren’t limited to having sex in a romantic relationship. Although it makes everything more fun and accessible, you must be certain about where you stand regarding sex and relationships. Make sure that your partner is also on the same plane.
For example, if you’re friends with benefits, it’s all sex to have a release, no feelings. Then with an exclusive relationship, there’s a deeper connection when you do the deed. Being with the right person means no leading on or confusion. Because if you begin to shift away from your initial standing (especially for friends with benefits), you’ll just end up heartbroken. And for that, labels matter!
8 It’s quality over quantity.
Even if we mentioned numbers earlier in terms of how long you can last or how many times you want to do the deed, it’s how well your performance that matters most. Also, with mutual respect for each of your libido levels, you work with what you have and can do without pushing yourself too much. Although numbers matter in terms of knowing your sexual side more, that’s out of the door once you’re actually doing the deed. So make sure to pleasure yourself and your partner in the best ways possible and make them memorable.
9 Even outside the bedroom, you and your partner keep that fire alive.
Sex isn’t just limited to the confines of your bedroom, but how you elevate your desire before channeling your sexual sides. It can be how you whisper filthy things in their ear in public, send pictures of your body while they’re at work, or maybe the lingering touches your fingers leave on them as you pass them by. It’s up to you and your environment to get yourselves in the mood, so take this chance to be creative.
This kind of build-up is almost like a full-time escapade until you’re reunited after work or during your free time. Because in situations you’re not physically together and you or your partner does something naughty about it, we hope you know you’re both in for a ride when you’re wrapped in each other’s arms again.
10 The chemistry between you two is strong.
Whenever you and your partner are together, there’s this unsaid connection wherein you both just *click*. Even those around can feel it; that you and your partner mesh well with each other. Sometimes you don’t need to voice out what you want; they’ll just observe your body language.
Often, they can balance you out. So even before you get with someone, notice your chemistry. Notice how comfortable you can be around this person and interesting the bond you share can get, and see if it can progress over time. Life is too short, and you don’t want a relationship that’ll make you go “sayang” if it’s been long-lasting.
Connection over time in a relationship, guys.
Tips to Improve Sexual Compatibility
Don’t shun this section quickly because hey, it happens. This partner may want more of this, while you want less of that thing. Although sexual incompatibility may sound intimidating and daunting, it can be solved. As we said, this is something that can be developed over time. Especially when our sexual behaviors change the older we get, we can also make proper changes and compromises. Since sexual incompatibility is also linked to mismatched libidos, a couple with deep trust, respect, and love would work with what they have rather than fight over it.
With that, here are some tips you can apply to fix your sexual games.
1 Communicate constantly.
Never overlook the power of voicing out your thoughts to your partner. Do this before, during, and after sex. Hold no assumptions about their feelings or let them guess your emotions and needs; always verbalize everything. Even the obvious as it’ll be especially vital when getting each other’s consent. This pro-tip should never lack and continues on during the duration of your relationship as your needs vary.
2 Be in the right mood.
When you and your partner are honestly ready to talk about your incompatibilities in sex, make sure your emotions are at bay. Calm, peaceful, all sorts of positive emotions should shower over you. The way this topic can affect other people’s moods differs, so at least approach your partner in a composed manner. Because if you bring this topic up at the height of your anger, that’ll affect the overall conversation and how you both view it. Sex shouldn’t be something to be insecure about, so we should be mindful and accepting so that we can get better at it.
3 Be patient with each other.
If it takes a while for a relationship to get sexual, you should take your time exploring sex. Maybe making out with some touching at the start can be a good start before ravaging each other like bunnies. This is the same with fixing your sexual compatibility. For example, if you’re hyped to try bondage but your partner isn’t on the same page yet, try watching porn of the kink so they have a clearer view of what you’re asking. Plus, you can get off to the material.
There’s also the case when you’re with someone with sexual trauma. They may not feel as confident showing skin for fear of remembering those triggering moments. So be gentle with your partner by reassuring them and showing them love and appreciation before acting on your needs. That’s because you don’t want to unlock any triggers if you pressure them, unintentionally and intentionally.
4 Keep an open mind.
Face it. You don’t know everything, and that’s okay! There’s always room to learn and venture more into life rather than acting like a know-it-all because it blocks new information for your future knowledge. Have a growth mindset, wherein there’s always room for improvement and such. Specifically on the topic of sex, don’t make haste in turning ideas that don’t intrigue you down nor be judgemental towards them.
Simultaneously, be transparent with your partner about the kind of sex you desire. Don’t expect to get it 100% right, but at least lay down what turns you on and off so they’d know your sexual side better. This goes both ways, so be as eager to learn what gets them wet/hard. Also, there should be no pointing of fingers at who’s in the wrong! Accept that you have sex incompatibilities, then work on them.
5 Learn to compromise.
When you and your partner have vivid clues as to your sexual needs, wherein some may not align with yours, give them a try at least. Do it for them so that they can experience it, and see you in a different sexual light. However, this tip also applies to non-sexual activities. Relationships don’t just revolve around sex, and those non-sexual acts can even aid in the intimacy of your sex life. They also require effort on both ends to stay strong.
But also, be observant with your compromises. It shouldn’t be something that’ll cross your boundaries or makes you feel bad. Don’t compromise for their sake; it should be a compromise you’d also find enjoyment in over time. As mentioned earlier, holding no secrets signifies a sexually compatible pair. If that’s what you’re aiming to achieve, don’t go over with your compromises.
6 Consider adding sex toys to your dynamic.
Our favorite line here in Lauvette is that sex toys aren’t your enemies in sex, but rather your partners in it. Often, human penetration isn’t sufficient to achieve our desired highs. Yet that shouldn’t be something to be embarrassed over, especially when there are thousands of toys out there that can be your solution. It’s a matter of finding which ones suit your sex dynamic more.
Another great aspect behind sex toys is that they’re bridges that lead you to different fantasies that’ll spice things up in ways you never expected. In fact, you may just discover another sexual side of yourselves when you do use these toys. And with sex, it’s about discovery and exploration with your partner. An example is being handcuffed to the bed while your partner thrusts themselves in, which urges an interest for restraint because you feel helpless when you crave physical touch on your partner doing you right.
7 Spare time to do non-sexual activities.
Being sexually compatible means being intimate with each other. With this, you can be touchy and physical without sex in the equation! With that, carve out time and a list of fun activities you and your partner can do during your free time.
It can be going on a date at a new restaurant, checking out a new museum, attending a local music concert, trying a new sport, and so much more. Ponder on things you both share a connection to (or something they enjoy that you have yet to try) and engage in them to heighten your bond. Maybe reigniting your spark is all it needs to get your intimacy levels up again, resulting in amazing sexcapades in the future.
8 Seek professional help.
There’s nothing wrong with consulting a professional during rough times. In this case, if it’s hard to open up about issues in the sex department, whether you end up fighting or not comfortable doing so, seeing a therapist can aid you both. That way, it can dissipate the tension and refine how you bring this topic out. The therapist’s main focus would be on the intimacy issues between you and your partner that may have taken a toll emotionally.
9 Third party’s the charm.
Now, this option may not be for everyone. But sometimes, inviting another person into your relationship can feed your needs. The key point before doing so is that it has to be consensual! We don’t condone cheating or infidelity here.
According to Dr. Sari Cooper from earlier, she mentioned that aside from people going to therapy for professional help, they also get “help to create and negotiate specific consensual nonmonogamy agreements that would give them more freedom to satisfy their needs while maintaining a commitment to the relationship and the sexual health of both partners”.
Life is too short to be unhappy, so you can learn more about the various relationship types of ethical non-monogamy here.
But aside from this option, another third-party option is masturbation. To spice it up, let your partner watch you please yourselves or do mutual masturbation to understand each other’s sweet spots more.
10 Give it your all until the end.
This tip should be the last case scenario. So at this point, you’ve done your best to work things out, and still, you’re not completely satisfied. If sexual compatibility is an important aspect to you of a relationship, it’s best to end it. Even if sex may still be a taboo reason to end it, do it regardless.
You also must know what you want and deserve because you don’t want to waste your time in a relationship destined for failure. But at the same time, don’t get sloppy in a relationship. Outside sex, be the best partner you can be. Commit without regrets.
Breakups suck, but the pain won’t last forever, and there are more fish in the ocean.
Sexual compatibility is still a term people in relationships have yet to unravel. Even if it’s only one aspect of a relationship, it shouldn’t be the basis of the entire relationship. However, if you think this holds more importance, you and your partner must work to reach that place where you’re both sexually satisfied. We’ve given you the tips and signs, now observe and put in the effort! And again, this is something you can develop, so hang in there, reader. You deserve the best sex life can offer you.