Oh, commitment issues. We’ve all had our fair share of expressing this term towards our lives, bouncing it back and forth as we get older. Sometimes in a playful way, others on a serious note. And honestly? It’s valid! However, it can also affect how you live your life and the relationships you have with others.
Let’s learn more about this phenomenon down below.
Defining What Commitment Is
Commitment is the unshakeable dedication and engagement towards a certain cause, action, or person. There’s also an intention behind why you choose to be all in. Is it your passion? Does it give you purpose? How does it benefit you and others? Those are some questions you’d ask yourself when you want to commit to anything.
Commitment is also a vital part of life, wherein regardless of the situation, you still show up and give your all to whatever makes you feel content and fulfilled.
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So What Exactly are Commitment Issues?
Commitment issues refer to struggles and fear related to deep, long-term dedication and involvement in various aspects of life. While it’s commonly associated with romantic relationships, it’s also aligned with work-related duties and personal goals. Such issues can put you in a loop of early enthusiasm and eventual withdrawal.
Moreover, commitment issues look like reluctance and emotional discomfort to being “tied down”. Hence, it’s why people start messing around when things are already good because they don’t want to take it further just yet (or ever).
Types of Commitment Issues
There are two types to look out for. Those would be:
1 Undercommitment
Definition: The unwillingness or inability to commit to anything long-term. They may even avert from it (whether it’s a passion or something important) because the emotional aspect of it may be overwhelming. Or potentially, the person is a perfectionist and waiting for the “perfect time”, which may never happen.
Examples:
- Jumping from one job at a time
- Lots of short-lived flings and relationships (mostly in a small time frame)
- Constantly abandoning personal goals
2 Overcommitment
Definition: Going all in on something or a lot of things to keep themselves occupied and give them worth. While there’s nothing wrong with having lots of interests, they may show signs of struggle related to setting boundaries. It’s also possible to have these types of commitment issues because you don’t want to be alone or rejected. But in turn, you can get burnt out.
Examples:
- Always taking initiative and making big moves in a relationship (potential codependency)
- Sacrificing your personal time to constantly go OT
- Overplanning your daily schedule to the point that you miss out on sleep
Causes of Commitment Issues
There’s not just one prime cause behind commitment issues. In this section, we’ll be tackling all the potential reasons why you may or may not have them here.
1 Past Relationships
On the topic of love and romance, someone may have been cheated on or separated from someone they thought was the one. Because of that, they’re very cautious and hesitant to date again. If they do, they can’t go all in or give the opposite, which can push their new prospect away.
2 Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
In a world that’s so fast-paced and everything is accessible with a click of a button on your phone, you want to stay updated as much as you can. Have lots of things to explore and not settle down just yet. In turn, commitment issues may arise because you want to see and experience various things beforehand.
3 Past Trauma
This cause can come from your childhood or even yesterday. It ranges from negative experiences (e.g., abuse, abandonment) or witnessing something just as painful (e.g., parents separating, being teased at school or work). When it’s something you’re still working on to heal and grow from (or maybe you’re not putting in the work), it can make future commitments difficult to enter. Thus, commitment issues are formed.
4 Unrealistic Expectations and Standards
With lots of media and cultures that have their unique ideals and views on relationships, career, and success, it’s hard not to be influenced by them. They’re what form our standards and expectations, but that can also be a disadvantage when you’re rigid and perfectionistic about them.
Why chase perfection when it doesn’t exist? Instead, people must learn that the real magic is found in the imperfections of life. Easier said than done, but it’s how you balance reality from fantasy.
5 Having Low Self-Esteem
Sometimes, we can be our own enemy. If we have such a negative outlook on ourselves, that’ll translate into how we see, live, and act in this world. On the topic of commitment issues, if we don’t believe in ourselves enough to see through or work through our goals and dreams, we’ll always stay stuck and play small. And that’s no true living.
While also understanding the toll life can take, it’s our job to do the work to be stronger and power through. Hence, that’s an effective way to steer clear of commitment issues.
6 Certain Attachment Styles
If you’re someone with an avoidant attachment style, you avoid getting into deep involvement in anything. You value your independence, feeling suffocated and small when you commit to something. Moreover, there’s potential for hyper-independence to come into play if you don’t ask for help.
As for someone with an anxious attachment style, they fear being abandoned and constantly need reassurance. When you commit to something that can change, it makes you worried over the uncertainties, pushing aside the good it’s bringing you simultaneously. They may also appear as too clingy or over-dependent, which can disable connections.
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Signs of Someone With Commitment Issues
Anyone can have commitment issues. Recognizing that you or someone you care about has them is the first step to overcoming them. Signs of such include:
- Avoiding serious topics that equate to commitment (relationships, work, etc..)
- Giving vague answers about such topics
- Self-sabotaging when everything is going well
- Not taking any initiative to make plans
- Feeling overwhelmed with your pile of responsibilities that are overflowing
- Difficulty in opening up and being vulnerable
- Rejecting or doubting yourselves when landing long-term projects
- Lots of decision fatigue and even questioning them after they’ve been made
- Feeling uneasy or uncomfortable when your partner wants more from you
- Having a consistent history of short-lived relationships or jobs
- Frequently backing out on plans
- Shutting down when thinking about the future
- Withdrawing emotionally when things become serious
- Feeling anxious or worried when consistency is expected from you
- Making future plans without your dreams or partner involved
How to Work Through and Overcome Commitment Issues
Okay, good news! Commitment issues can be addressed and even solved over time with awareness, self-belief, lots of effort, and gaining support from others. Let’s delve into this further with our top tips over here.
1 Ponder and reflect on your fears and triggers.
Get to the bottom of what’s behind your fears, worries, anxieties, struggles, triggers, and other contributing factors that contribute to your commitment issues. Whether it’s one aspect of life or just in general, figuring out the root cause gives you more clarity and is essential when you’re ready to enter your healing journey. Is it the fear of failure? Being rejected? Abandoned? Vulnerable? Having some trust issues on the side, too?
Pondering and reflecting can also look like journaling this all down in pen and paper so you can truly see on print what’s going on in your noggin. Plus, you just feel better and have a better idea of which direction you’re headed.
Allow yourselves to truly feel what you’re feeling and let it all out!
2 Discover what your core values are.
Feelings come and go. They’re temporary, hence we shouldn’t identify with them. But instead, having and setting core values acts as a guide towards your succeeding actions, and you lead with intention. It also gives you a sense of purpose, making life more fulfilling. Core values are unique to each person, so it’s key to evaluate how you’ve been living your life and figure out what core value sticks out to you. Which ones influence your decisions and life choices.
Some examples of core values are honesty, integrity, bravery, novelty, accountability, creativity, trust, among others.
In line with commitment issues, you may feel nervous about committing to a new project. However, you value creativity in your life as it allows you to express who you are from deep within. Thus, let that lead into pursuing while also acknowledging those worries because over time, they shall pass!
3 Start small.
Commitment doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing thing. In fact, that would make you more likely to stray from it further. Instead, show in small ways, through making small promises that you know you can do. Because when you follow through and stick to your word, it builds self-trust and confidence.
For example, you’re a writer who’s struggling to write a new story, yet you still want to create. In this case, aim to write 1-3 sentences a day. It may seem so mediocre, embarrassing even when that used to be easy for you. However, the waves of life are unpredictable. One day, you’re flourishing with ideas and inspiration, then the next, you’re exhausted. You have to give yourself patience.
But back to the main point, making that small promise of writing a few sentences and fulfilling it no matter what gives you self-reassurance and self-trust that you can, in fact, do it. It doesn’t matter if it’s messy; the fact that you showed up is what matters. You’re also less likely to make excuses and potentially enter a flow state if those few sentences give you even a tad bit of momentum.
So don’t underestimate the little things! In fact, make those small promises a habit that you keep building on daily! They may be the very thing that’ll get you back in your groove and urge you to commit further.
4 Challenge perfectionism.
Perfectionism doesn’t exist! It’s in our nature to make mistakes, but we decide whether we let it tear us down or lift us up. In the case of commitment issues, it’s okay and normal for relationships or personal goals to have some hiccups along the way. It shows what we need to work on so things improve. Throughout the journey, it’s important that we accept and even embrace the ups and downs of committing to something. What matters is consistency, wherein you’re present and working regardless. Consistency over perfectionism always!
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5 Communicate openly.
Open communication is effective in solving many issues and learning more about those around us. If you’re having commitment issues related to your relationships, talking about them with your partner makes room for vulnerability and mutual understanding. Being on the same page as your partner reduces the risk of misunderstandings, providing more space to set boundaries and discuss your fears and any other concerns.
6 Set boundaries.
Let’s expound on this more. Boundaries are there to protect you and keep you safe from harm. If your commitment issues are related to overplanning and always saying yes to everything, this tip is for you.
One way to assert boundaries is by learning to say no. No to a new project when you have a lot on your plate. No to another night out when you’re still hungover to keep up with your friends. No to spending a lot of money on a date.
Moreover, prioritizing quality over quantity allows better focus on what truly matters to you, and that you’re not always giving and giving without anything in return. Energy and time are fleeting, so be wise with how you spend them.
7 Take your time.
Working through and eventually overcoming your commitment issues is not an overnight feat. You have to be consistent in showing up and doing the inner work, regardless of your mood. Your mood can change quickly, but the time spent can’t be taken back. Even if it’s difficult in the moment, the bigger picture will only provide you with proof that you can do the thing and feel better after it. And so, go one step at a time at your pace. The cost of procrastination is the life you could’ve lived.
8 Seek professional help.
Even with any of the tips above above, your commitment issues may need deeper, more personal advice to deal with and overcome them. That’s where therapy comes into play, as it helps address any past emotional wounds. It may also be able to uncover patterns or traumas that are holding you back. Furthermore, seeing a therapist means having access to healthy coping mechanisms, advice, and solutions tailored to your specific situation.
Takeaway
Commitment issues are a lot more common among people than most people think. It can vary from undercommitment to overcommitment, and can be related to relationships, career, and more. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, as they stem from personal fears, worries, and unmet needs. But they don’t have to affect your present life further.
With consistent inner work, patience, support, and self-compassion, achieving balance and eventually being able to fully commit to whatever matters to you are possible. Take things one day at a time, celebrate your wins, learn from your mistakes, and always give yourself grace.
If you’re dealing with such difficulties, we hope this guide will serve you well as you enter or continue your healing journey.
For more self-help, relationship, or culture-related guides, check us out over on the Lauvblog here.
